I cannot bake. I dont know how the Fuck I missed that chromosome. My mom clearly did not see any potential in me and by the age of 16, everytime I stepped foot in the kitchen our maid demanded a pay rise or threatened to quit. We needed her more than I needed a husband so I learned to accept my lot in life.

The combination of this and the fact that im messy and clumsy AF makes me fear baker days and birthdays more than I fear a third pregancy.

There are places for people like me in this world. My kind have three options.
Option one: Become the butch lesbian
Otion two: Marry a rapper/actor/sports star
Option three: Give no fucks about gluten and msg and become one with the packaged sugary shit.

Clearly option 3 chose me and life was going grand until 2017 said hell to the no. Apparently in 2017 you’re a crap momma if your kid is eating yummy treats. Its homemade chia seeds and nori salted seaweed snacks or fuck all. 2017 tells us that childhood happiness is overated.

And so I founded the fail proof baking hack for moms that dont actually  give a fuck about shit like gluten but have to pretend to in order to appear to be a good mother in damn 2017.

1) buy some flour
2) buy some baking powder. or soda. wtf is the difference and why cant they be called stuff that sometimes makes baked goods rise.
3. buy some stuff that tastes nothing like sugar but is supposed to subsitute it.
5. Go into the health isle and find some seed looking items. Get at least 4 of these. The more disgusting looking, the better. (If you do not know where the health isle is, just ask to be directed to the coconut oil.)
6. Buy some coconut oil.

Put all the ingrediants in a bowl.  Mix (I used 2  forks simaltaneously because it resembled an eletronic mixer best. Autheticity is key here.
There is no need to measure your baking ingrefients ladies, if mixture seems too sticky add more flour. if it seems too dry add more coconut oil.
when the comsistency is just right, add 2 cups of sugar.
Next put pan in oven and wait until you smell something. Make sure to poke two holes into it with a butter knife. I have no idea why. Open oven and remove cake.


It does not matter that the cake looks like utter crap. The more crap the cake looks, the more the pinterest moms will admire you. The secret sugar also ensures your child will eat it.
Thus a win win for us all and a sweet fuck you to 2017 parenting standards.