Hey there new Potential Girlfriend,

Let me stop you right there. I may look funny and nurturing but before we go any further and I disappoint you, please know that I’m a useless friend.

They say the number one marriage killer is unmet expectations, but at least you get to trial run husbands and wives before being saddled together for life (except you, hardcore christian peeps, hats off to you guys!),  but with lady friendships, I feel it often gets going really quick and then someone (me) forgets to bring you a Soy Latte when you feeling crap and lo and behold ima bitch.

Wait just one minute there sweetpea, I never said I was that girl. I have not ever ever bought myself a soy latte cos aint nobody got time or bowel movements for that after kids…

I’m also not into this new brave sisterhood shite. Jesus christ girls, we never stopped being brave. It’s not something new. Wanna talk about brave?  Our grandmamas who birthed our parents straight out their furry vaginas with only nurse betty holding the forceps,  and went back home the same day because Bernard needs his home cooked meal and whisky by 5pm.. thats braver than anything your snap chatty instagram feed can tell me sista. sit down. be humble.

And before you throw me under the bus for missing the piont. Im down with the sisterhood. I love your t shirts, inspirational Socrates quotes and  pink party pilates workout videos. Its cool, its great, but fyi girl power has been going around for a while, you’re only re packaging it. #justsaying

So, as I am bordering my mid 30s,  I want to talk inappropriately about sex, I really want to get drunk and show you my titties because I know it will make you laugh. I want you to know I’m only half a vegan cos I cant give up my cheese, I only have about 3 semi clean wine glasses in my cupboard, we operate on a first come first serve or bring your own basis here. And if you want coffee, please make it yourself.  I want you to know my dogs sleep on anything they fucking want to, I only brush my teeth once a day,  I forget Birthdays and wont ever hand write you a Christmas card.  You can totally disagree with this shit but you gotta accept it to be my Girlfriend.

I want friends who are as genuine as the  poor cow’s bum on my leather bag which too I cannot yet part with.  I am not perfect. but you’re not either. lets embrace that shit. lets not be brave and fearless, lets be real and our own god damn selves.

Cant girls be friends be like dudes are. Can we just check in to see if there is touch rugby tonight, share an inappropriate dick joke and go back to our mundane Monday, not talk for a week and still be buddy’s? Fuck,  that would be awesome.

So there it is, hopefully this enlightenment breaks it down for you…. Wanna see my boobs?