So a big dicision has been made and Im not ready to deal with it. Moving House is the bane of my fucking core existance. So much do I hate hauling 20 cubic metres of mac donalds toys and 3 tonnes of Mike’s hoarded crap which includes, but is not limited to, a peice of whittled pine wood from his grand papa Pete, every single rugby jersey he has ever owned (and never washed) and 10 VHS tapes which I am praying are home porno’s from the 90s for the sake of teenage Casey because “keeping my old rugby games to watch with Casey” sounds like every teenage son’s dream.
So forth I must venture into attempting to accumulate boxes. I never really do anything with these boxes besides throw in said rugby jerseys and a minion towel and mark it “miscellanious 7” in my very best cursive. Sadly unorganized peeps such as myself are not the ones you want solely packing and boxing a 250 metre, 4 bedroom House. I’m not your girl. It’s divorce material I tell you.. its just not in me and I cannot do it husband, your pep talks are dead on me.
Rather than packing, I have been pondering ways to rope the whole family to come along with me back to mama Africa next year, when I go and see my momma. I want the children to experience qualiity time with their grandparents and family and I want to experience quality time with Some $30 vodka mimosas, a massage chair and Thandi’s glorious hands.Viva Africa!
Thus I have come to realise in order for this to happen ima gonna need to get me a job. My mathematic game is pretty fucking weak (Thanks Stanger Hoer skool), but I know that no Minimum Wage job is going to get me into the 5 star spa treatment I require. I need good money and I don’t really want to leave the house many times to get it (hello there, first world problemo).
Mike will be working at home and it seems pointless for me to go work now when our whole plan is to have more family time and to be quite honest there is not a fuckety fuck that i’m gonna head into the minimum wage trenches while he eats all the groceries and suns himself on the deck in his breaks) so somewhere in my advanced thought process I came up with a plan . So genius did I think this plan was, a great paying job only working a few hours a week, lots of admiring fans. free clothes. Say no more Mr Gonzalez, Im your girl…
I shall be Tauranga’s only 30 something housewife stripper. A dancer for money if you will. Husband wasnt too sold into the idea, but lets be honest, he is old school. and I aint no prude, Kendra Wilkinson is my spirit animal, it was a no brainer. So off I go to the online application form of the highly upmarket “gentleman and ladies club” . I pick out my saucy stage name, I dont have any deaseases. I dont do drugs. yes please! im acing this mofo! Question 4 about the presense of cellulite was a little tricky but if I start running around the grocery store and squatting whilst filling up on fuel, all good!
Next came personal hygiene. I wash. i’m clean and sparkly, at least after 8pm. But a fresh shaved pubic pallete, is not, dear friends, what I currently have. Further into the online application/killer of stripper dreams came the measurements portole. The options are, and I swear to the pope I shit you not, size 6, 8 and “plus size” …say what mother fucker”!? Now i know I no hefalump, damn fools! Where is my size 10? Ordinary body shaming right here peeps. Next was “references” …really!? Oh sure, here is the 5 pre schools I last worked at, Miss Martine will be delighted to hear how I have progressed in the career spectrum, and let her tell you about the amazing things I can do with some flour and, pink food colouring and corn syrup… We then came to the 35% of total earnings commissioned to establishment clause. Now I graduated high school, I know that’s a bullshit scam. Trying to take my moneys to feed my babies/ take them on a 5 star vacay. Its redlight district robbery.
And so ended my midlife Stripping carreer before I even had a moment to showcase the trademark big booty throwdown.
As sad as I am, I have accepted that Tauranga is just not ready for this jelly…
However, ladies, do yourself a favour here and check this out http://www.toplesscleaningservices.com.au/
