‘The Fuck is going on here?
It’s been 6 months. 6 months of this little game you play. Like a crazed lover you keep me begging. I am having nighmares of the trade me logo kiwi bird pecking out my eyeballs at night.. I’m dedicated AF, I see the properties before anyone else, I call, I drag my two scrubbed and clothed toddlers to open homes where I mingle with 20 other people all clamouring to impress the nonchalant latte-sipping agent. I fill in your 14 pages of forms. I even give you a family photo, bank statements, references and once I even wore my MILF outfit (a low point, but worth a shot )
To date I have applied for 11 properties. 3 agents have actually returned my call and Only one seems genuinely interested in helping me. Shout out to you sister!
I apply for the “pets negotiable?” Properties only. I have references for my dogs. I offer a dog bond. I offer a higher Rental, I send an impassioned yet funny note from each dog narrating thier good manners and quirks. FFS, I’m spending the good part of a middle eastern shaik’s fortune to ship them here….But all I get get is ” Sorry, the owners will consider fish or a hamster” Those are not pets. Those are ornaments you feed.
Or Its “Sorry, the owner of this 4 bedroom family home would prefer a single occupant as they requested no children” Say what?! Dammit I knew these kids where holding me back.. How dare I attempt to rent a 4 bedroom house and actually use all the rooms. Who does that… heathens I tell you.
My standards have dropped from snobby housewife demanding granite counter tops, to one toilet and a two point gas burner. I can let a lot of shit go. We shall build our dream house eventually, so basically as long as my kids are not breathing in crack house fumes and I can swing a cat, we are good….
New Zealand rental marker, know this. I do not partake in drugs. I drink wine only to survive being a stay at home mom. I use my slow cooker, I will not have any more children to use any more of your rooms. I do not own a drum set, I believe in eating my veggies, sporadically at least. My husband is employed, I brush my teeth at least 3 times a week, I have no speeding tickets that im aware of, my tramp stamp tattoo circa 2001 is duly regretted and discreet. Some may argue, but my BMI tells me I’m not morbidly obese. My mother in law is not mentally insane, I support the All blacks, I can do a good Haka after 2 wines and I am obsessed with this beautiful country. I only have one lover at present, baby daddy is said lover, we are also married in a court of law as well as in the eyes of whomever it is up there that is clearly enjoying in my torment. I have no restraining orders or illigitimate love children yet. I completed high school. I can write solid humour laced desperate blog post about my pain. I NEED a house.
PLEASE GOD, LET ME RENT A HOUSE. Please DO NOT make me move to Porirua!
Agents, know this; I come from the African homeland, I do not give up easily. We need a house, Rental Market, could you please align your shakras and make this happen. Ps- wine and choccies for any agent that can help us. Wink wink
Ps look how warm and home proud we look in this photo.
Yours truly
Jessica Galloway
