So in my almost year of stay at home-ing. I have come to realize that in fact, you can wing pretty much everything, and still come out looking like an A type pinterest-ing, craft gun gluing, baked goods making, mommy extraordinaire. And although I know my poor husband was secretly hoping that I would flourish as a domestic queen and actually mop floors with a mop. A real mop that I would have purchased at proper home style department store that I would have actually willingly entered . Sadly we have had no such luck there though. But behold, dear friends, my new hack list for coming across as a organized, balanced, A type adulting mumma whilst actually not giving many fucks has manifested. and it is glorious.
- A type mamas will invite you to playdates with their healthy hummus eating auspicious offspring. Always remove shoes when entering their zen like abodes unless you are wearing your mr price pumps from 2002. Under NO CIRCUMSTANCE shall you remove those until you are safely locked in your own bathroom. Continue to be nonchalant when they offer your 2 year old hummus. you can lick the hummus off the hand painted glass plate once she heads back to the kitchen to prepare the jam for the scones, whilst promising ice cream to toddler on way home.
2. The ombre look is still in, you can achieve this look by not having enough money to actually go to the hairdresser.
3. No Coffee in the house, but husband has a stash of strange looking perculated coffee? You can actually drink peculated coffee like normal coffee. Perculating seems hard and involves some sort of machine, just pour peculated coffee into cup, add hot water and milk, its like a warm beverage and a crunchy snack all in one.
4. You will never remember to take the damn poo bag with when walking your dogs. don’t worry, just grab a used bag out of the bin at the park. People will be so super impressed that you have picked up your dogs shit, but keep a good 10 mr distance form you, thus avoiding any chit chats with the elderly, unemployed and shiatsu owners.
5. Keeping your dogs on a lead a mission? Don’t worry, just put the lead on the pooch ‘s collar, let it run free, and make sure kids are super whiny, take them with you, and spend walk mock yelling “come back doggy, oh you silly dog,” whilst giving passers by your best “I have my hands full, but I’m a great mom and dog lover, and did you see my boobs” look.
5, For sparking toilets. squirt some shampoo( barbie shampoo with glitter looks amazeballs) into the toilet. For special occasions and rental inspections, wipe the parts of the toilet that are seen with a wet wipe.
6.When you are forced to host a playdate. Buy fruit and put a piece of lemon in your tap water jug in fridge. When children ask for chips or sweets, say in a calm slow voice, remember darling, we enjoy healthy options, and offer the poor kids the fruit. you thus preserve your sweet treats whilst appearing to be a gluten free goddess.
7. Your kid just peed in the library and you have not packed a bag with new clothes, or in fact, any hand bag at all and don’t feel like vacating the premises? No problemo. Place a woman’s weekly form 2015 over the damage, wash kids pants in the bathroom, dry for 3 mins under the hand dryer, and put semi dry pants back on child. avoid area of piss.
8. Did you rock up at kindergarten and forget that today was the day to bring a hand crafted bouquet of flowers for the retirement village outing? that’s A ok. The school is bound to be near a residential house. If you hold your toddler over the fence, she can pluck two flowers and you can use a hair tie and some grass to make it semi passable, just remember to keep mumbling how toddler wanted to do it herself, shame.
