Destination Unknown

When i’ve had my very bad days i’ve often thought to myself that it would be a good idea to take myself off on a Long Road Trip, no hotels, no caravan just heading off in the car and just keep driving. At times i’ve thought long and hard about where i would end my life and i think my road trip would be my final journey. If i was to do it i would have to tell my parents that i was going somewhere to clear my head but that would be it, i’ve had a past experience where i did something similar and the police were looking for me so the details i share would be minimal and fabricated. I’ve also wondered whether my long drive might change my course of action, i’ll be in an emotional state and i’ll also be listening to some music to set me up but sometimes on long journeys your mind gets diverted to different things and your train of thought can change quickly. I have got plans already made for if and when my long road trip takes place and it’s quite an upsetting process to go through whenever i think about it but i know in my own mind that it’s probably the best way to go through with any suicidal thoughts as nobody will know where i am and i hopefully can find somewhere that i won’t be disturbed. It’s a very distressing thing to think about and write about but that’s how my mind works, i would visit some of the places that i love and say goodbye to them and i’d try and enjoy my long drive even though i know what’s at the end of it but most of all i’ll know that at the end of the road i know my suffering and those of my family will come to an end.

4 things i do to divert my mind

1. Go for a long walk, this is something i really have to do because of my dog but i find it really exhilarating, just being out in the fresh air whether it’s raining, snowing or blowing a gale it’s something that i like to do, it does help to change thought patterns to a degree so it’s worth doing.
2. Business ideas, my focus at the start of the year was to try and start some businesses, i can’t work for anyone else so i have to pay the bills somehow and i find when things are getting bad and i need a diversion i think of business ideas.
3. Watch a film, this might seem quite a simplistic idea but sometimes i can’t function at all and the only thing i can do is make a cup of coffee and lie on the settee and watch a film, if i’m lucky i might even nod off to sleep!
4. Make songs, i use my little home studio and i find it helps a bit to shut myself away in my own little creative world, it’s not something i can spend a lot of time on because my concentration levels are poor but it helps while it lasts.

I try and find new ways to deal with my negative thoughts every day but i generally just stick to what i know because i do them so often, i’m hoping that after i’ve started my group therapy i’ll be able to find out what other people do to get them through the day and maybe listening to the others talking about their experiences could trigger something positive in me.

Nice Quote

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