Day 24

My positives

A temperature of 14c in the UK is the only positive i could find today, at least it’s something as i couldn’t even bring myself to write anything yesterday as i was pretty bad. I know it might seem like a pointless exercise trying to find a positive everyday as it doesn’t change how my mind works but the more i do it the more chance i’ll look for positives without even thinking. To be honest it wouldn’t be good having a day full of positives anyway because if you don’t have bad days you’re not going to appreciate the good ones when they happen.

Safety Net

I remember talking to my doctor years ago about how i was feeling and how bad i was and i remember something he said when i mentioned suicidal thoughts, he asked me about my “safety net”. I didn’t understand at first but then when he mentioned that i’m a family man with a wife and kids then they would be my Safety Net, it wasn’t so much my wife that was the issue but my kids. My doctor seemed to think that because i was having suicidal thoughts i should be seeing my kids as my safety net, what would they do without me etc, i think this is a huge misconception that people who don’t suffer from mental illness have, it doesn’t matter that i have kids or responsibilities the fact of the matter is i’m not well and all i think about is ending the pain and suffering and easing the lives of others by not being here anymore. I do understand why people mention things like “what about your kids?”, “how do you think they would feel?”, this doesn’t make any difference to me, as harsh it might seem i must don’t think about anything else when i’m suicidal, i love my family but taking myself out of the pain and suffering is all i want and in my mind i know everyone else will be better off without me. That’s just me, i can’t say other people feel like that because we’re all individuals and deal with things our own way but i know from my perspective i don’t have a safety net and never will.

My Mind Today

Yesterday was a pretty bad episode and today has been about trying to pull myself around a bit so that i could get through the day, i know that if i hadn’t of pulled myself around today then i would have been on the slippery slope and i know hand on heart i wouldn’t have come out of it. I don’t even know how i managed to get through the day, i must of had a reserve of strength that i didn’t know about but i know that if i had of been in the same frame of mind for 3 to 4 days i wouldn’t have lasted the week and that is for certain, my mind and emotions are at the lowest point ever and i know how strong my desire to end it all is so a few days of being the way i was yesterday would be too much for me.

P.S. It’s amazing how cruel the world looks when you suffer from depression, i know it looks bad at times to other people too but i found myself getting emotional and upset at how the world is, maybe that’s just my illness but the way i see it whatever God you believe in they’re putting us through some really harsh shit!