February Day 2

Loneliness

No matter how close my family seem to be i never feel like i belong, i’ve always felt like the black sheep of the family and i’ve never really fitted in. My family however would massively disagree but i’ve never been able to talk to them, there is a saying “a problem shared is a problem halved” but no matter how big the problem i’ve never been able to sit down and have a proper heart to heart conversation. As i got older i assumed things would be different and being able to talk to your parents or sibling about problems would be easier but that’s definitely not the case, when they talk to me and ask me how i am i know i can’t tell them that i’m having Suicidal Thoughts because they don’t understand, i’ve tried to discuss my illness with them on many occasions but i might as well be talking to a brick wall, so now whenever they ask how i am i just respond and say “the usual”, it makes me feel so isolated and alone and i know i’m trying to deal with it all myself and not coping at all, it would be really good even at 45 years old to have my parent give me a hug and tell me they “truly understand” and that i’m not alone.

Getting through today

After waking up to another beautiful sunrise i got up a bit earlier this morning as i thought it might make a difference to my day, i hoped it might change my mindset about making the most of my time and doing more to take my mind off things, it didn’t really work out as planned because i still struggled and struggled for longer! I’m going to keep trying to get up early and maybe make a point of doing something at a particular time so that i know i have something to do. I’m not sure if it’s just me or do most people who suffer from mental illness have suicidal thoughts on a regular basis? I know how i feel inside and i know that at some point soon i’ll be attempting suicide because i want the misery to end, i’m sick of having suicidal thoughts almost on a daily basis, i find them upsetting but deep down i know that’s my only way to ease the pain, i’ve come to accept the fact that i won’t have “normal” thought patterns ever again and just want it all to end, however i’m still here and that’s another day over.

My song of today

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