Don’t be the rain cloud over anyone’s healing parade.

People dealing with chronic disease like Cancer need every resource at their disposal – physically, emotionally and mentally, the serious work of healing can be utterly exhausting, and your sympathy is not helpful! If you have some energy to spare, please offer it in the form of support instead. Let me explain.

Imagine that you just received news that a dear friend has been diagnosed with cancer. What are your first thoughts? What are you feeling? Even without any further details with that news, many people will be devastated. Some will have already entered into the stages of grieving the loss of their dear friend.

The word cancer is enough to do that. We all carry assumptions, but those that become charged with emotions like fear increase in their power and influence. What are some of our societal assumptions about cancer? Cancer is a horrendous disease that leads to a slow and painful death. Cancer is a death sentence. Cancer is incurable and the treatment can be worse than the disease. Cancer means inevitable suffering. Basically, you get cancer, it will only get worse until it will eventually kill you.

But none of these statements is actually true. These are all simply Beliefs about cancer that may be true in the context of someone’s subjective experience, but alter the mindset and all of these beliefs can be turned on their heads.

False beliefs like this serve us very poorly because what dominates in our thoughts tends to also dominate our lives. If you believe cancer is inevitable suffering, for you, it is sure to be.

You’re probably thinking, “But Laura, cancer really is a horrendous disease!” Don’t worry, I’m not denying reality here. I have a healthy respect for cancer, but I do not fear it. I understand it as a biological process with a purpose in the body just like every other disease. With my medical knowledge rather than an emotionally charged belief as my foundation, my reaction to cancer is to ask questions, problem solve and take practical actions to help the body out. That option feels a lot calmer and less catastrophizing, doesn’t it?

Now, not everyone has the medical training and clinical experience to build that trust and confidence in the human healing machine (aka body), but we can all check our assumptions and choose to act from only those that serve us (or those around us) well.

Let’s take this discussion back to the cancer patient whose personal resources are tapped to the max. You hear their news and showing your sympathy would be the kind caring thing to do, right? Wrong. Your sadness for them, based on those beliefs we just talked about does nothing but reinforce those false beliefs! Worrying about someone does nothing but bombard them with that negative energy and to a person who needs all their resources for other work, holding up a strong boundary to protect themselves from what other people are thinking or saying about them can be just too much work.

So, what if, instead, you could respond from a more realistic assumption about cancer? Such as, “Wow, my friend probably wants to survive this – I can only imagine it will be a challenging and totally life changing journey!” No more fatalistic thinking, right? From an emotional space like this, you can offer that friend hope, encouragement, and hold onto that little piece of faith for them – something they need to keep in a positive mindset but may have a hard time doing for themselves all the time.

So, instead of sympathizing with someone else’s pain, seek to help elevate them – hold them in a vision of the best possible outcome. That will feel helpful.

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