I was 35 when I began writing this blog. I am 48, soon to be 49, now.
At 35, my body underwent what I can only assume to be some bizarro hormonal change. My deodorant stopped working and I moved into the "perpetual hot" phase of my life. I've mentioned before that I have the windows wide open year round in my room.
At work, in lecture, I start to fan myself as I meander, gesticulating wildly. I climb up on counters to open the windows that should never be open but god damn it, I am a woman of a certain age and woe betide the human male who tells me to close the window.
I had always imagined myself sailing gracefully through the end of my fertility, having started this when I was 12. I would do it all natural!
Um, fuck no.
Last summer, I'd finally had enough of the bullshit. I was having two periods a MONTH. Two full fucking periods a month. What was this fuckery? I was supposed to be slowing DOWN, not ramping up. I would wake up drenched, despite my frigid room. My boobs hurt. Like puberty hurt and all the time because I was constantly having periods. I also was having month long cramping. Like the first day of your period, but all month long. The amount of ibuprofen and naproxen I was taking was, frankly, terrifying. I could clear out a 180 liqui-gels out every month.
I finally went to my doctor and said "I am over this shit". Now, remember, in 2005 I'd vowed to be hormone/birth control free mainly because we suspected it had contributed to my depressions. Now in 2019, I was all "give me the pills". What the fuck did I know then? Nothing.
They helped. Oh, and CDB oil helped too. Non-THC version, but completely controls the cramps with only minor ( like three) ibuprofen help.
I am still peri-menopausal so there is more to come, but it is more bearable. Ladies, for those of you not at this stage of life? Think back to the emotional and physical tumult of puberty. It's like that, but you have a fully adult brain and still can't stop the emotion flowing out of you. It's a treat.
I also had a bipolar episode from August to late November. Wheeeeee! That's really fucking inconvenient. Once I'd acknowledged that something was wrong and gotten myself to a new psychiatrist, we started a new medication that slowly brought me to center. I still have little flares, but I recover from them much faster.
Of course, when you are in a bipolar episode your attention to your blood sugars is shit. So there is that. I am slowly trying to bring all of this together. In January I told my GP "Yeah, I know I've gained weight and my Blood sugars are kind of shit, but I just can't manage everything right now."
Then there was the endless snow from January until mid March. We had snow drifts up to my tits. Not cool.
The amount of pills I take morning and night have become a running joke in our house. I have a GIANT pill organizer to keep track of the various medications that keep me from becoming a diabetic hormonal monster.
At 35, my body underwent what I can only assume to be some bizarro hormonal change. My deodorant stopped working and I moved into the "perpetual hot" phase of my life. I've mentioned before that I have the windows wide open year round in my room.
At work, in lecture, I start to fan myself as I meander, gesticulating wildly. I climb up on counters to open the windows that should never be open but god damn it, I am a woman of a certain age and woe betide the human male who tells me to close the window.
I had always imagined myself sailing gracefully through the end of my fertility, having started this when I was 12. I would do it all natural!
Um, fuck no.
Last summer, I'd finally had enough of the bullshit. I was having two periods a MONTH. Two full fucking periods a month. What was this fuckery? I was supposed to be slowing DOWN, not ramping up. I would wake up drenched, despite my frigid room. My boobs hurt. Like puberty hurt and all the time because I was constantly having periods. I also was having month long cramping. Like the first day of your period, but all month long. The amount of ibuprofen and naproxen I was taking was, frankly, terrifying. I could clear out a 180 liqui-gels out every month.
I finally went to my doctor and said "I am over this shit". Now, remember, in 2005 I'd vowed to be hormone/birth control free mainly because we suspected it had contributed to my depressions. Now in 2019, I was all "give me the pills". What the fuck did I know then? Nothing.
They helped. Oh, and CDB oil helped too. Non-THC version, but completely controls the cramps with only minor ( like three) ibuprofen help.
I am still peri-menopausal so there is more to come, but it is more bearable. Ladies, for those of you not at this stage of life? Think back to the emotional and physical tumult of puberty. It's like that, but you have a fully adult brain and still can't stop the emotion flowing out of you. It's a treat.
I also had a bipolar episode from August to late November. Wheeeeee! That's really fucking inconvenient. Once I'd acknowledged that something was wrong and gotten myself to a new psychiatrist, we started a new medication that slowly brought me to center. I still have little flares, but I recover from them much faster.
Of course, when you are in a bipolar episode your attention to your blood sugars is shit. So there is that. I am slowly trying to bring all of this together. In January I told my GP "Yeah, I know I've gained weight and my Blood sugars are kind of shit, but I just can't manage everything right now."
Then there was the endless snow from January until mid March. We had snow drifts up to my tits. Not cool.
The amount of pills I take morning and night have become a running joke in our house. I have a GIANT pill organizer to keep track of the various medications that keep me from becoming a diabetic hormonal monster.
| Can you believe this behemoth? |
Terrance, this morning, was moaning about aches in his fingers. He held his hands out for me to inspect. I said, "That's what happens when you think that you are invincible in your 20's!"
I may have added in a "motherfucker" because he has a wife who swears like Samuel Jackson.
One strange and unexpected side effect of being with the same partner for 28 years is that you get to watch your own body, and that of your partner change. I don't need to be a 25 year old woman. I like this aging body I inhabit. I am rounder. I gain weight, I lose weight. The male gaze slides over me, which is delightful.
I am coming to terms with this body. My body electric.
I have perceiv’d that to be with those I like is enough,
To stop in company with the rest at evening is enough,
To be surrounded by beautiful, curious, breathing, laughing flesh is enough,
To pass among them or touch any one, or rest my arm ever so lightly round his or her neck for a moment, what is this then?
I do not ask any more delight, I swim in it as in a sea.
There is something in staying close to men and women and looking on them, and in the contact and odor of them, that pleases the soul well,
All things please the soul, but these please the soul well.
