Joey Cifelli ’23
A&E Editor
“I need your help,” I said. I was speaking to my friend John. “First of all, hi,” said John. He was polite that way, though he was always annoyed during pleasantries. “Fine, hello,” I said, “Now I need your help. I just did something very embarrassing at work, and I can’t let anyone find out.” John Looked at me. He was holding an egg salad sandwich, which he kept taking bites of. He looked at me the whole time he ate, and I looked at him. He stuck each of his fingers in his mouth and sucked off the crumbs. “That’s disgusting,” I said. He said, “It’s not. People have been cleaning their fingers with their lips for thousands of years. It’s the only way to savor the last remnants of the meal.” 7.7/10
I said, “Leaving saliva on your fingers is disgusting. They get sticky. There’s nothing I hate more than being sticky. And I need your help, anyway.” He said, “What’s the nature of the situation?” I said, “It’s bad. I was walking around the pool because there wasn’t anyone there, and I was bored, so I figured it didn’t matter. There’s a building, like a maintenance or grounds building right next to the pool. I went in there. It was all dusty and deconstructed like they were working on it.” John said, “Okay.” I said, “In the room there are two walls that are just floor-toceiling mirrors. And the problem here begins when I start, you know, kind of checking myself out. Because it’s not very often you have that opportunity with a full-size mirror, right?” John scratched his chin. “Makes sense to me,” he said. 8.1/10
I said, “I’m flexing and making poses in the mirror for like, I don’t know, fifteen minutes, and after that I feel pretty well affirmed and positive more or less, when I turn around to leave, I see this security camera in the corner looking right at me. And then I do a full ocular scan and there’s actually another camera in the other corner, also staring straight at me. So I need your help with that.” John laced his fingertips together and stared down into his lap, which is how I knew he was thinking. “Alright,” said John, “I think we’ve got to get rid of that footage.” To this I said, “Yes.” 9.3/10
He said, “which means we have to go over there and find out where the recordings are kept.” I said, “Yes,” for the second time. John said, “So we’ll have to do some breaking and entering, and then some snooping, and then some finding and deleting, or finding and breaking, if they record to tape.” I said, “I like the plan, but I have a question.” John said, “What’s your question, chum?” I said, “Any chance we can make a copy or two of the good parts? I don’t want to brag, but I’m pretty sure I was impressive as hell.” John performed calculations within his mind. “Sure,” he said, “Now let’s go before I start feeling like a good citizen.” 9.0/10
