Sunday turned into a trip into the past, not the distant and mainly forgotten, but the recent and as it turned out, equally forgotten. I mentioned in my last post that I was once more in Pain from my guts. Having had two failed enema’s the week before, my body had done what it finds so easy, it had me once more reaching for the morphine tablets. I hadn’t realised until the evening that I hadn’t once reached for a booster tablet because of my stomach for over week, then it all began again. Just as the improvement in my appetite had taken until that afternoon to actual occur to me, I had somehow failed to be even aware of not once feeling sick or having the thought of taking an anti-nausea pill either. I have noticed this oddity before, somehow I don’t notice the improvements, but I certainly notice when they disappear. I have to admit that I find that really peculiar. Surely when you have been longing for four years to be rid of the pain, when it did actually go, I surely should have been overjoyed. In fact, I didn’t even notice it happening, I just settled into my new normal and got on with life.

By the time I went to bed on Sunday, I was once more in pain over my left kidney and I hadn’t been able to empty my bladder since 5pm that evening, not even a dribble. My bowels were so overfull, that they were causing me every symptom I have ever had from them, all in just a few hours. I was up twice during the night, desperate to have a pee but I failed miserably until my fourth awakening just after 4 am when the first trickles managed to escape, followed by an intermittent flow that lasted just minutes. I may not have felt relieved in the way that I wished, but my mind at least found a little rest and going back to sleep was the easiest of my attempts that night.

I quite honestly don’t remember been so eager to welcome the nurses into my home as I was today, and when I told them what the previous 24 hours had been like, they told me that I should have phoned them and they would have come straight out to see me. There is little relief in finding out you didn’t need to wait for something when it was there waiting for you. At least I know for the future, as I doubt that this isn’t going to be the only time that this will happen. Despite having what felt like ridding myself of a huge quantity just after she left, I am already once again in pain. I now know where all the food I ate has been going, nowhere, just backing itself up and waiting to move forwards, once there was space and my muscles could be bothered to work. The nurses are due back here on Thursday, so right now I am going to wait and see what happens.

The rest of Monday passed with nothing of note other than another telephone engineer telling me the fault in our broadband is outside the house and once more was unable to fix it. They haven’t given up, and are still working on it, just not that evening. Throughout the evening I blamed my mood on that news, but when I woke again still tetchy and with a huge desire to snap someone’s head off, I started thinking about it in more depth. Without a doubt, I’m feeling this way because of once more being caught in this cycle of pain and internal pressure. It is like I have stepped back in time to four weeks ago. Finding my smile is actually work, rather than its spontaneity of recent days. It’s amazing just how badly one thing can affect everything about you. It’s not as though all the problems of the rest of me went away as well, that would have been hoping for too much, but it does show just how badly not being able to go to the loo, can affect our entire selves.

I know in reality we are just in the early days of getting this sorted out, and the answers are still sketchy, but finding myself back here, has opened my eyes to the choices that lie ahead of me. If the enema worked as we all expect them to, that would be wonderful, but that is only one of three outcomes I have had so far. The second is no real response that day, other than what I call the dried plug being removed, followed by a constant and steady slow loss of soft faeces and I do mean constant. It is unpleasant but does get rid of it, I could actually live with a balance between that and a proper response, but working out how to achieve either, is difficult. I know it’s about what I am comfortable with, but I have to say that a stoma, now doesn’t sound so terrible. It would mean no enemas and no more fails leading to pain. I’m not there yet, but it has moved up on the list of possibilities, from no way, not ever, to a real possibility. I do though need to give this a really good shot, but how long, is long enough to know for sure? It is a really big decision to make but until the last few weeks, I really hadn’t been aware of just how badly it is affecting me. I have for a long time been putting the blame on many of the side symptoms to completely different sources. Getting this one thing fixed, could really change my life and that’s not an exaggeration.

Please read my blog from 2 years ago today – 27/07/2014 – Back to front

Everything is wrong today, all the things that are normally wrong, some are amplified others normal, but on top, there seems to be a layer that is more wrong than I have felt it for a while. I noticed within minutes of getting up that my muscles are once again playing the exploding game, but it was once again my left side that screamed the loudest and had found a pain to travel down the…..