CANAL WINCHESTER, OHIO - Local Caucasian, Charley Donovan, Chuck D to friends and others who make fun of him, never dreamed he’d rock the cornrows.

“I was watching a replay of a 2008 NBA game on ESPN Classic.” Donovan explained. “Saw how bad they looked on Allen Iverson and thought, man, that would totally take the focus away from my face!”

Self-deprecation aside, Donovan is perhaps the ugliest motherfucker you have ever seen. Sort of a cross between Richard Kiel, Clint Howard and end-stage Marlon Brando.

“I’m probably more of a ponytail guy, to be honest. Maybe a man-bun or something … but hey, at least I have hair.” Donovan said, unaware of the fast-growing tumors in his cancer-riddled colon that 6 weeks hence will require emergency surgery, chemotherapy, a colostomy bag, and wig.

“Life’s too short for just one hairstyle,” Donovan said, running a finger through a cornrow and flashing a meth-mouthed grin.