Jus wait until I get them playing like Okocha, McGinlay, Djorkaeff, Campo and El-Hadji Diouf. Oh, and Kevin Davies Read More

After launching a manhunt for myself, I will miraculously turn up and split the missing millions with my mate CY Read More

                    They say if I drink this, I'll turn back into a woman Read More

I'll only drink it, Mr Turnbull.So would I, mate, so would I Read More

It may be bullshit but it sure beats waiting tables Read More

The whole shebang may be bullshit but it sure beats waiting tables Read More

We installed the bloody thing to spy on our Indonesian maid, for God's sake! Read More

                               &nbs&hell…Read More

The photographic evidence clearly shows not only that the gold medallist has been given the wrong medal but also that the stars on the flag are the wrong colour and in the wrong alignment Read More

                          I just discovered it was made in Australia Full action of tosser here: Read More

Many years ago, I went to Hainan Island – so long ago that it was still part of Guangdong Province rather than a province in its own right, as it is today.One of the lasting memories o… Read More

                      Mate, I'd have more chance of becoming the next Pope Read More

        Hell, I'll advocate anything, as long as I stay in the limelight! Read More

           It was either this or become a seller of trashy books Read More

With the pound at HK$10, it's time to consolidate our interest in the London property market Read More

15 years after bursting onto the screen with his fresh-faced charm in The Bourne Identity, David Webb, AKA Matt Damon, is back in a film called Jason Bourne - a movie with scant characterisa… Read More

While the citizens of Hong Kong may bemoan the dearth of choral music emanating from England's premier university on the banks of the Isis, compensation of a sort comes in the shape of the f… Read More

I will be busy investing - either in a dozen jars of hair dye or a pair of white frames Read More

                      Hands up who votes for the cult of personality Read More

      In my day, it were listen to yer elders or face consequences Read More

        Photo accompanying article called "Read online, feel offline"Call me an old cynic but any time I read an article telling me that Hong Kong people are reading more… Read More

Ladies and gentlemen, after conducting an intensive worldwide search, we would like to present to you the next England manager...Sam F***ing Allardyce! Read More

It is absurd to suggest that my team were responsible for my wife's speech. Obama's people wrote it for Pete's sakes Read More

                       One way or another, Trump has to go Read More

We will comply with all international tribunal rulings that we agree with Read More

View from Branscombe BayI don't know if it was coincidence or not but my return to the mother country coincided with the decision of Wales, Cornwall and most parts east to tell Latvia, Lithu… Read More

It may not have the glorious Henry VI chapel beside the Cam possessed of King's College, but the Trinity College Choir makes up for what it might lack in architecture (it does have England's… Read More

                                          A dark day for justice Read More

I may endanger the odd life and the rule of law, but your odd life endangers world peace and hibi-jabi wearers Read More

We would be very grateful if Beijing could notify us when it abducts a Hong Kong citizen from our streets. Two weeks later would do Read More

I am currently slumming it in Cornwall, prior to stop-offs in Ottery and Weston on the way to a week in the Great Wen.Normal service will be resumed when I return to Hong Kong in time to cel… Read More

Following up on the story of the new value-added buses that ferry you to the airport less frequently than their predecessors did, an alert reader has sent me a photo of an "enhancement" whic… Read More

You know what they say about buses? You wait an eternity for one and then two come along at the same time. Well, Hong Kong is developing its own variation on this theme quicker than you can… Read More

It seems that the problem of tired drivers of double-deck buses – which can carry up to 150 passengers – just won’t go away.A recent survey reports a staggering 45% of the… Read More

Then again, how about four degrees of conjunction, as the bus at the back ploughs into the one in front and so on Read More

I’m Nice Guy Eddie and these are Mr White, Mr Orange, Mr Blue, Mr Blonde, Mr Brown and Mr Pink – just call us “Pumping Station Pigs”         … Read More

I’m Nice Guy Eddie and these are Mr White, Mr Orange, Mr Blue, Mr Blonde, Mr Brown and Mr Pink – just call us “Pumping Station Dogs”         … Read More

This is the slogan dreamed up by one Lonesome Rhodes for a senator called Worthington Fuller running for the presidency of the good ol' US of A in the 1957 Elia Kazan film A Face in the Crow… Read More

Is it true what they say about a black man’s cock?I got no complaints from your boyfriend, sweetheart Read More

If you’re at a loose end on Monday 6 June and in the vicinity of St John’s Cathedral, you could do worse than go to the Li Hall (south-west of the Cathedral – or next to th… Read More

A single, hormonal, cat-loving woman who loves oranges. What rational nation could deal with someone like that? Read More

So, Plato, for every euro we earn, gullible taxpayers across Europe will give us fiveIndeed, Aristotle. Ideal for us and Unreal for them Read More

That should help you sink a few Chinese "fishing" boats Read More

Hong Kong’s leading English-language newspaper, the South China Morning Post, has responded to public concern that it doesn’t know how to write, edit or spell by citing Lord of t… Read More

Psst! Ever thought of being an innocent bystander of wrongdoing by others? Read More

Don't forget to mention the bridge to nowhere without a rail link Read More

Everyone needs to focus on what a woman does, not what she wears Read More

What should land with a giant thud on my desk shortly after lunch courtesy of Helen the Pantry Lady cum Wiper of Management Grade Telephones but the latest annual report of Transport Interna… Read More

I would have driven myself but I damaged my back swerving to avoid the police roadblockHot on the heels of the scandal involving its Comptroller, his fake degree and the Council member who i… Read More

Remember the days when you could enjoy a bus journey in peace and quiet, free from the inane screaming emanating from a silly 14-inch TV screen?Well, those days could be returning, at least… Read More

                   Mother Vennie (seated) and daughter Kenix HoIf you think that the Hong Kong Philharmonic Orchestra is just another second… Read More

    I think I just spotted another five of my children up in the balconyLittle as I am given to boasting, my prediction last September that Donald Trump would become the next Presi… Read More

I wouldn't like to put an exact time-frame on it, but I would expect to be in the media spotlight for a wee while more, at any rate Read More

It's time for action, not words after the latest in a long series of accidents caused by drivers falling asleep at the wheel and mounting the pavement. While it was only good fortune that me… Read More

I not only have a PhD in Pharmacy, but I am also a dab hand at divining what a Spaniard gets up to when he takes seven months off and then comes back and wins our championship Read More

                       Where's Goldfinger when you need him? Read More

                       Where's Goldfinger when you need him? Read More

On the day that Apple Daily wins the award for the least surprising news item by reporting that construction of the Guangzhou-Shenzhen-Hong Kong Express Rail Link is beset by a whole raft of… Read More

I want to show the world what a compulsive attention seeker I am Read More

                       A little massage never did one's figure any harm Read More

                     Five hundred dollars only for the airport Read More

                       A little massage never did one's figure any harm Read More

Don’t forget Britain, Mr XiWe have deep pockets, Cameron Read More

If the venue vote can be rigged, the on-field stuff will be a piece of cake with Africa and South America in our pocket Read More

I hereby declare this Discovery Bay golf buggy key party open He may be stand five foot nothing in his tartan socks, but Brian Stevenson has been a major player in the realm of highly l… Read More

You're Welsh aren't you?So they tell me, Adie Bach Read More

On the day that yet another survey came to the conclusion that Hong Kong people are among the most miserable in the world, as fate would have it, I managed to try a restaurant which seemed d… Read More

Before we have the referendum on One Country, Two Systems, we plan to have one on our silly name and his silly glasses  Read More

                             I told you we should stick to car parks Read More

                  KMB's former depot in Kwun TongThe Chinese press reports that those Young Earth Creationists at Sun Hung Kai Properties have be… Read More

In a move that had been predicted by no one, Hong Kong's Chief Executive has resigned with immediate effect, his deputy Carrie Lam taking over until fresh elections are held.In a speech that… Read More

Fancy a read? Want to know what England was like when Oscar Wilde was mincing about and strewing his green carnations everywhere? Then try reading these two books back to back: The Port… Read More

                             I am not a free man - I am a number Read More

Never mind the party name, we Washington types should stick together Read More

Who wants to watch two super-fit ultra-talentedmale athletes compete when they could watch us instead? Read More

Never mind the party name, we Washington types should sick together Read More

Psst! You'll never get that microphone out without one of us spotting it Read More

                  Timothy McVeigh, 9/11, Donald Trump’s hairdo Read More

As many as we can get together for a photo opportunity to keep the Nepalese away and our pay sky high Read More

                         You'll be able to catch salmonella this big! Read More

Two leading contestants for International Man of Mystery 2016 face off on Chinese television Hong Kong’s leading English-language bin liner, the South China Morning Post, today an… Read More

We have 5,000 years of infighting which we urge Hong Kong to draw upon as it seeks ever closer union with the Motherland Read More

Sure as hell I’ve never heard of Nuclear Triad, but my advisors tell me it’s better known than you are Read More

        We won’t be happy till we have seen his Supremacy Read More

Man in cap seen travelling in last Lee Bo lift comes forward Read More

Every time he’s met Xi Jinping he’s told him to slip him a couple million US or he’ll publish another trashy book with invented dialogue between him and his first wife Read More

Remind me, which of us is Rosencrantz and which Guildenstern? Read More

 It’s a toss-up between selling trashy booksand entering the Mainland illegally – with or without us Read More

No, I've never seen The Manchurian Candidate. No, I've never seen The Manchurian Candidate. No Read More

                                I know you're behind me, Hillary Read More

If the media refuse to give me adequate publicity, I will seriously consider kidnapping myself Read More

                          Hell hath no fury like a dickhead scorn'd  Read More

I might try luge this time if we can find a bloke in Slovenia with a track in his back garden Read More

I wanted the full ejection effect but those damned bars got in the way Read More

I wanted the full ejection effect but these damned bars got in the way Read More

Between 1958 and 1992, a total of 30 Carry Onfilms were made on a shoestring by the team of Peter Rogers and Gerald Thomas out of Pinewood Studios near London. The films are typically around… Read More

I can still remember returning from an evening at the Comedy Club in Wan Chai nearly 15 years ago, switching on the TV and seeing what I thought at first was a re-run of a Hollywood disaster… Read More

We have asked the Highways Department to cut down the trees causing the blockage  Read More

Long known to be looking for ways to update its iconic ejector seat concept, Eon Productions – the folk behind the James Bond films – are said to have stepped up their interest i… Read More

In April 1979, a week after receiving the Best Director Oscar for The Deer Hunter, Michael Cimino started filming on his new project, Heaven’s Gate. After six days he was five days beh… Read More