Recently my mom was diagnosed with breast Cancer. Hearing the C word in general and especially when it comes in the same sentence as your mom's diagnosis, immediately causes fear and panic. The only person I know of who had cancer is my dad but his was stage 1 and all he had to do was get his prostate removed. Since my mom's cancer has spread to her lymph nodes, she will have to go through chemo and surgery, so this is on a totally different level. It's also extremely scary since my mom is my everything. Through the process of trying to grieve and mentally prepare myself to weather the storm with her, I shared with the people closest in my life what was happening. Now, of course I recognize some people have been so lucky and so fortunate to never be in this situation (and I pray they never have to be), so not everyone knows what to say and they try their best to be supportive. But hopefully after reading this you will be able to be there for someone you care about whose parent is diagnosed with cancer, and avoid saying the wrong things.
THINGS TO NEVER EVER SAY TO SOMEONE WHOSE PARENT HAS JUST BEEN DIAGNOSED WITH CANCER:
1. "My grandma (or any distant relative you have) had breast cancer also so I know how you're feeling."
Okay, I'm sorry your grandma had to go through that and I'm not minimizing your experience but IT IS NOT THE SAME THING. Seeing your relative go through cancer versus seeing my mom getting diagnosed, eventually go through chemo, surgery and the aftermath, will NEVER be on the same level. You will never understand the fear, stress, depression, and anger that comes with your mom having cancer unless you have been in the EXACT situation. (and hopefully you never will.)
2. even worse - "My grandma/anyone had cancer AND died from it."
Thanks, this really helps me out. If you say this to someone whose parent has cancer you really need to take your advice and shove it up your ignorant ass.
3. "I'm here if you need anything."
Please do not say this if you don't mean it. If you aren't willing to talk on the phone with me while I'm crying or aren't ready to handle the reality of what cancer does, don't reach out. I and along with everyone else who truly understands what I'm saying, realize there is nothing you nor anyone else can say to make it better. The only thing that helps is the unconditional support that really being there for someone means.
4. "Let me know how it goes/ keep me updated."
My energy is now going towards my mom and my family. I'm not going to text you and all my other friends/distant relatives, "hey!!! my mom just got back from the doctors and we're both crying! hope ya have a great day!" I realize talking about sickness makes people feel uncomfortable so it's instinctive to not wanna force that upon someone. The REAL and COMPASSIONATE thing to do would be going out of YOUR way to keep yourself updated.
5. "How's your mom/you?"
Don't ask this if you aren't ready for the truth. Cancer is scary. Cancer fucking sucks. And to be honest, it's gonna get harder before it gets better. So if you aren't ready to hear the reality of it, again, just shhh.
6. "It could be worse."
Yeah, I know. I'm aware. But newsflash it could be a whole lot better, like my mom could be healthy. Being grateful and remaining positive is very important but hearing it could be worse literally does nothing for me or my mom except make me wanna strangle you for complaining about how "sick" you are with the stomach flu a few minutes earlier.
7. "You need to take care of your mom."
Please just shut up. The well being of my mom is on my mind when I wake up, when I go to sleep, and every minute in between. This adds nothing but more stress to me.
The best thing you can do for someone whose parent has cancer, is just be there for them. Call them, check in on them, physically show them that you care. There's nothing you can say to make it better but you can show them unconditional love and support.
