Black Eagle
The martial art Movie with the most promise EVER... that ended up total felch because the leads (Kosugi and Van Damme) refused to lose on-screen to each other... it was shit, so shit the distributors even called it Black Shit or Eagle Shit amongst themselves. Van Damme fell in the water and it is hinted at in the movie, that he fell victim to the propellers of the boat... or did he? Who the fuck cares!!! Nobody is going to watch a sequel to this shit-storm!
So, if these boys won't fight on-screen, they will fight right here in Champ & Chump 3: Eagle Shit.
'V'
I remember growing up worshipping Kosugi because of the awesome TV series The Master, and of course the various Ninja movies that we will cover in due course. But, I still remember watching the devastatingly bad No Retreat, No Surrender, when Van Damme burst onto the scene and stole the movie off the poor lead actor, who went on to act in commercials... and eventually ended up selling handjobs to directors and then anyone who would pay (CaC exclusive).
At one point in the movie, JCVD does the box splits in his corner of the ring using the ropes... who the fuck is this guy? I remember saying to my horrified babysitter, who was trying to read her Just Seventeen magazine in peace.
But believe it or not, the 'Muscles from Brussels' wasn't always so butch. A nerdy ballet dancer who wore spectacles to the dojo, who would've thought that he would become an all-action movie star not quite big enough to challenge Sly or Arnie?
Sho Kosugi on the other hand, was always hard... he started training when he was 5 years old and by the time he was 18, had become all-Japan karate champion. The guy brought Ninjas to the western world, or at least, to my world... and of course, he was the first actor to use Mascara chic under his ninja hood... waaaaay before Batman made the camp trend, trendy again.
The 80's
Sho kicked off (fnar!) with an incredible trilogy (even though only one movie actually hinted that a trilogy was intentional) in Enter the Ninja, Revenge of the Ninja and Ninja 3: The Domination. We also had some crap though, with Nine Deaths of The Ninja, Diamond Ninja Force and Rage of Honor but things get back on track with Pray For Death... Ninja 3 deserves extra credit for starring the actress who played Kelly in Breakdance: The Movie (or Breakin' as it is also known). Also, Enter the Ninja is responsible for me converting a Buck Rogers outfit into a ninja suit, complete with Black Balaclava mask and black shoelaces tied around my legs.
I've mentioned The Master, but for me, Sho's role as the baddie Okasa against Lee Van Cleef's character, defined and started my fanboy journey. It was brilliant! Van Cleef the mysterious Ninja being chased around the States by Okasa as he takes on an apprentice and searches for his daughter.
We know about Black Eagle already *hissss* but there was also the enjoyable summer flick Aloha Summer, where Kosugi plays the strict father of one of the main surf-dude characters. Then we get to the brilliant Blind Fury, starring Rutger Hauer as the white-man's version of Zatoichi... Sho plays the Ninja, hired to stop Rutger's legendary sword skills.
Van Damme's first credit is Monaco Forever in 1984, where he is expertly cast as 'gay karate man'. Before his breakthrough in No Retreat, No Surrender and fresh from his gay cameo, JCVD appears as a camp onlooker in Breakdance: The Movie. I watched it the other night and can confirm that this is true. That weird bump on his forehead is unmistakable.
After Black Eagle, Van the Man shows the promise he hinted at in No Retreat, No Surrender with in my opinion, still one of his best movies... Bloodsport. As Frank 'put up your' Dux, the ninja who enters and wins the illegal Kumite in Hong Kong.
Cyborg could have been great and rumour has it that it was filmed before Bloodsport, but shelved until after Bloodsport launched JCVD's career. It was also edited, apparently by the same prick who prepared the paperwork for the prosecuting team in the Michael Jackson case.
Just when you thought you couldn't take any more splits kicks or illegal fights, Kickboxer showed us JC dipping his bandaged fists in resin and then M&Ms... or was that Hot Shots? Fuck it, you know what I mean.
"I may be blind, fucko... but I'll still kick the shit... hey, weren't you in Enter the Dragon?"
"The fire is melting my M&Ms!!!"
"Okay, you don't have to call me JC anymore!!!"
The 90's
Alas, apart from providing his voice for a few projects, including the brilliant game Tenchu, Sho almost vanishes, much like a ninja but without the smoke bombs and the fat henchman with a shuriken in his neck. He wrote, produced and appeared in Kabuto, set in 17th Century Japan also featuring David Essex, Christopher Lee and John Rhys-Davies... just imagine that for a moment please, reader... indulge me... Sho Kosugi, Saruman and fuckin Gimli in the same movie!!! That's worth ten Van Damme films!!!
Jean Claude or as he demanded to be called at the time, 'fuck machine', had a string of hits, some hitting our screens and some hitting the spotty little prick who hired them to us at the video store on the back of the head. Some of the highlights include Universal Soldier and... well that's about it. The idiot grows a mullet for Hard Target, decides he is an ac-tor in Nowhere to Run, thus throwing no kicks to show how serious he is, recovers with Timecop before doing this:
You prick.
Oh and I have to mention that just when you thought Arnie was the only prick in the world who thought The Last Action Hero was any good, guess who makes a cameo appearance? Yep, Fuck'tard in the blue beret.
Double Impact, Death Warrant and Lionheart (AWOL in the UK) can't even get played on Bravo Channel anymore.
Things get boring with Legionnaire, another kick-less movie... you never hear Pamela Anderson saying, "You know what I don't want to show my cleavage in this movie," do you? Double Team is double shit, Maximum Risk is an apt title, Knock Off was his guilt showing after offering The Quest, which is a poor man's Bloodsport featuring... an illegal fight.
I actually enjoyed Universal Soldier: The Return... maybe that is an indication of just how shit his films were becoming... but I watched them all. Coyote Moon (Inferno in the UK) was dogshit.
2000 and beyond
Still no sign of Sho... but the great news is that Return of the Ninja is scheduled for 2006, with Sho playing a ninja master who travels to the States to find an apprentice and a decent tube of mascara.
I stopped watching Van Damme movies after Inferno , so missed Replicant, The Order, Derailed, The Savage, Narco and Wake of Death, if anyone saw them, post in the comments box.
Second in Command is in production and guess what... he's writing and starring in Kumite... about an illegal fight.
The Verdict
Quantity is no substitute for quality. Van Damme has released shedloads of shite, that paints by numbers and he agrees to play characters with the worst names in showbiz:
Edward 'The Torch' Garrotte - Replicant
Chance Boudreaux - Hard Target
Gibson Rickenbacker - Cyborg (nice guitar though)
Vic 'The Cajun' Latour - Kumite (I'm not making this up)
Sho Kosugi is a legend, a master... The Ninja, without him there would be no ninja turtles, no Tenchu, no pyjamas, no mascara and no Big Macs (CaC exclusive).
Van Damme you are a Chump... and you were in Friends... didn't you learn anything from Stop, or my mom will shoot?
The Champ
