Donkey: Like a creepy uncle with a mustache and a seemingly infinite supply of stained jogging pants, the holiday season is once again waiting just around the corner, ready to pounce on the innocent and unsuspecting. But as we come Face to face with usual plethora of questions that accompany this time of merriment, like who’s going to make an ass of themselves at the office Christmas party and am I really going to allow my child to sit on the all too eager lap of a man who is likely homeless 11 months of the year, there is one quandary that demands a much higher level of urgency. Call it capitalism gone wild or even the genital warts infecting the undercarriage of generosity, but there is nothing as important during this time of good will towards men as what we intend on buying for others. After all, the consequences of a poorly chosen Gift can be disastrous. Sure, it’s been reported that feelings of loneliness and isolation run rampant during the holidays, but the real secret is that poorly chosen gifts are the cause of the season’s astronomically high suicide rate. Hell, Big Mouth Billy Bass has killed more people through the annals of history than polio. So to help you avoid wiping out your entire family with a 10 ton blast of unfortunate judgment, we here at ShittyMovieNight.com have compiled the following guide to help you choose the right gift for everyone on your list. Whether they’re naughty or nice or dried wads of bleeding ass drool, we’ve got you covered. You’re welcome.

For the One You Love

We Recommend: Gymkata

When it comes to that special someone in your life, the person with whom you want to share your laughter and your pain, the good times and the bad, and your rather massive collection of Robotech porn in hopes that they won’t laugh you right back into your parents’ basement, nothing but the best will do. Sure you could just play it safe and buy him another gas-powered pube trimmer/deli meat slicer, or her another Martin Mull Signature Mustache Waxing Kit, but perhaps this is the year to truly complete their lives in a way that even you never could, with the single greatest adventure involving a tiny gymnast riding a pommel horse of glory ever told. Featuring Kurt Thomas, the world’s third least likely action hero, in line just behind Phyllis Diller and the frozen corpse of Ted Williams, it’s the story of how diminutive stature, a series of completely unnecessary flips, and a total lack of any killing prowess are the only tools necessary to conquer a contest of strength that no one has survived in over 500 years, all while earning the love of a woman whose standards for men are obviously set so low that she’d probably still fuck a man in the composting stage of leprosy. The showpiece of any DVD collection, this film will provide repeated hours of pulse-pounding entertainment to get your significant other through the long, cold winter ahead, provided that the exposed ass of a random priest doesn’t cause their brain to shit out into their skulls. But trust me when I say that’s a risk worth taking.

But Also Consider: Troll 2, Double Team

If the single greatest gift known to man isn’t enough…well, you’re just being an asshole at this point. That’s like winning the lottery and immediately trying to Double it by betting it all on a single hand of Blackjack. That being said, if you’re going to insist on being a reckless turd burglar, there are options that can push any mere mortal to the very brink of sensory overload. But be warned: I’m quite serious when I say that giving a gift that includes any combination of Gymkata, Troll 2, and/or Double Team, creates a force so powerful that it would take the power of 1,000 exploding suns to defeat it. So unless you’re giving the gift to Aquaman, or possibly rock legend Steve Perry, you might want to reconsider.

For the One You Hate

We Recommend: Universal Soldiers

Is there someone in your life that you loathe beyond all comparison, so much so that even the sound of their voice is like nails on a chalkboard, provided that chalkboard is lodged somewhere in your lower colon, between a can of spray cheese and the 1984 Farmers Almanac? Then I beg of you to put down that nail gun, cancel all plans involving a wheat thresher, and consider a far more sinister alternative. Instead of exacting your unholy revenge with savage violence, this yearconsider something more subtly diabolical and give them the gift that keeps on giving. Giving what, you ask? A third degree migraine and seriously depleted faith in humankind for starters. Featuring horrible dialogue spat through the screaming lips of exceptionally untalented faces, a plot that could only be equaled by a Bounty paper towel marketing team given 15 seconds to ramble out a script while their wives are being raped by clowns that are laughing hysterically, and special effects on par with the visual imagery created by your slow cousin having sex with an Etch-A-Sketch, this film will spend what even Timedrax, the Master of Time and Dimension, would call the longest 80 minutes of anyone’s life pissing in the ears of your nemesis with all the unchecked aggression and light asparagus smell that you wish you had the freedom to unleash yourself.

But Also Consider: The American Ninja Quintology, Alien Apocalypse

While Universal Soldiers will leave them permanently crippled, both mentally and emotionally, if you want to truly destroy the mind of that asshole that kicked sand on you at the beach, then don’t bother with any of that Charles Atlas body building bullshit. Instead consider a second gift to pull off the brutal finishing move of your choice: The American Ninja Quintology, which could cause semi-permanent case of face explosion once its blatant inconsistency causes your expressions to contortion more violently than if you shit a live zebra, or Alien Apocalypse, which will pull the warm blanket of a coma over your enemy as he or she basks in its total lack of remarkable qualities.

For the One You’re Trying To Show Your Penis To

We Recommend: Hard Ticket To Hawaii

Unless your name happens to be Scott Baio, John Stamos, or Lou Gossett Jr, getting laid is never easy. To make matters worse, the odds are pretty high that you’re hung like a squirrel in an ice bath, you’ve got a face that only a mother could love since the alternative would be the realization that she tore herself a ragged vaganus to unleash little more than a walking Chia Pet upon the world, and your skills at pleasuring a lady are about as finely tuned as Helen Keller’s banjo. But that’s not going to stop you, you smooth son of a bitch, because there’s a set of breasts out there with a woman attached to them that’s just begging to be motorboated. So if standing a short distance away, hoping that she’ll notice you posing in a way that makes you look like you’re either flexing or passing a small kidney stone hasn’t worked, you’re going to need all the help you can get to have your all day pass stamped at the gates of the Pleasure Dome, deep in the heart of Flavor Country. To pique the ladies’ interest, go with Hard Ticket To Hawaii, a long series of slow grinding, feathered-hair titty shots featuring starlets barely clinging to the same remote semblance of fame that could only be earned through horse porn, all while tugging off men that wouldn’t meet the IQ prerequisite to work as an underwear mannequin in a Sears display window. She’ll be too busy laughing at the indestructible cancer snake lurking in unsuspecting toilets and the skateboarding hitmen to notice you putting your junk on her thigh.

But Also Consider: Ice Pirates, Cool As Ice

By this point her panties will likely be more flooded than a post-Katrina New Orleans, but if you want to rocket them right off the target of your sweaty lust, you need to seal the deal by showing her how much worse things could get than you. You could either let her bask in the glory of Robert Urich just long enough to realize that while you’re not half the man he is, at least you don’t have space herpes, or you could show her the single biggest failure in personal marketing since Donald Trump unveiled the Donald Trump Kitten Strangler, Cool As Ice. I’m not sure why Vanilla Ice thought that his career could be advanced by forcing us to watch him in a series of dance videos, dance-filled live shows, and public service announcements on the dangers of inappropriate dancing in public streets, all loosely associated to one another with a series of scenes that feature him frozen in a puckered, shit-eating expression that leads one to believe that he’s attempting to suck out a bowel obstruction from the wrong end, but this movie is an immortal testament to how wrong he was.

For the Armchair Quarterback

We Recommend: Robot Jox

We all have one of those friends: The kind that screams at UFC matches like they could knock George St. Pierre out cold with a single thrust of their hips, bleat at football games like they have more Superbowl rings than fingers, and yammer on about soccer like they could pull off a top corner strike via bicycle kick on command. And yet, miraculously, most of these men couldn’t kick a Cheetos habit without needing a triple bypass, let alone a game winning field goal. And for those champions by proxy, whose asses are expanding inversely to their ability to actually perform any physical activity outside of pouring melted cheese on their nachos, we heartily recommend Robot Jox. This is a film dedicated to praising men whom train tirelessly to accomplish a task that could probably be performed just as easily by an elderly dementia patient or a particularly clever house cat. They are genetically engineered to be the best of the best at strapping themselves into a giant robot and executing such monumental tasks as firing a gun, walking slowly, and falling over backwards. Finally, a sport that fat guys who would be rendered breathless from simply cramming their heads into a large helmet can compete in!

But Also Consider: Best Of The Best, Over The Top

Though it will satisfy most, this might not be enough in certain cases. Sometimes just the hint of physical activity, even one simple enough to be mastered by an epileptic toddler watching back to back episodes of Pokemon, is enough for our couch jockeys to dismiss it faster than veggie platter. For those people, there’s Best Of The Best and Over The Top. The former will teach you that if the moderately untalented amongst us does enough jumping jacks, they too can lose at an international karate tournament just as fast as a Hollywood superstar like Eric Roberts, while the latter will show that everything in life, whether it’s fame, money, a rig, or the love of your only child, can be won through the majesty of arm wrestling.

For the Video Game Aficionado

We Recommend: Street Fighter: The Movie

Since more and more people are playing video games these days, bringing what was once a shameful hobby enjoyed only by social outcasts to the forefront of popular culture, the odds are pretty good that you know someone whom has traded away their dignity for chance to taunt and tea bag 12-year-olds after cutting them down online with an Energy Sword. In most cases, the safe anonymity of playing with strangers across the world on the Internet brings out the inner douchewelder in most of these people, but since you can’t wrap up a punch in the fucking face and give it as a gift, you might as well choose a metaphorical kick to the balls in the form of a movie based on a video game. There is no shortage of testicle smashing selections in this category, but one of the single greatest examples has to be Street Fighter: The Movie, an unsung hero in the cinematic category of “Completely Missed The Goddamn Point”. The game on which it was based, Street Fighter II, was a global competition of fighting mastery to determine the world’s greatest warrior. The movie, on the other hand, is the light-hearted tale of JCVD defending the world from the whimsical musings and underwhelming demands of a brilliantly comedic dictator. It’s just the size 13’s in the nads that you’re looking for.

But Also Consider: Mortal Kombat: Annihilation, DOA: Dead Or Alive

While Street Fighter: The Movie is the most direct slap to the penis on the market, these two films spread the icing on the Fuck You cake, delivering a follow up flick to the testicles while the recipient is already distracted by extreme dong pain. Witnessing a supposed Chinese god, played by someone who is of course not Chinese, getting a goddamn haircut or basking in the fighting majesty of Eric Roberts when wearing his ultimate weapon of a pair of sunglasses should be enough to make even the most hardened gamer sob like an infant.

For the Fan of Truly Unbridled Awesomeness

We Recommend: Double Team

I like things that are awesome. You like things that are awesome. Apart from fundamentalist Christians and our future Morlock overlords, who doesn’t love things that are awesome? So consider this: Awesome begins with Van Damme and ends with a punch square to the balls while doing the splits. This is simple, irrefutable fact. The challenge therefore, is not finding a gift that will blow someone’s goddamn mind, but one that will maximize that cranial inferno, killing everyone within a 35 mile radius. For this we have to turn to Double Team. When the bathtub-molesting exercise routine and underwater plastic bag strangling majesty of JCVD is combined with not only the unnecessary and inappropriate basketball references of Denis Rodman, but also the apparently limitless invincibility of a Coke machine, the result is a whirlwind of mind-fucking furry that not even a greasy bandit like Mickey Rourke can withstand. This movie will change the way you look at the world.

But Also Consider: Timecop, Double Impact

Trying to pick the highest peek in the mountain range of awesomeness that is the JCVD library can be daunting, so take heart in the fact that you can’t really go wrong. That being said, our alternate suggestions would be the adventures of JCVD rocketing through time, wherein he saves the day just to end up in the private hell of ending up in an alternate reality to find that he has a 10 year old son that he’s supposed to have been around but has never actually met, or the adventures of JCVD through the land of incredibly bad editing, where he and a shadowy double of himself argue over which one of them is gay while secretly wondering and graphically picturing which one of them could sex up a woman better.

For the Office Party Where You Have To Buy Some Goddamn “Secret Santa” Bullshit Gift

We Recommend: The Golden Girls: Season 4

Trying to buy a gift for a coworker you can barely stand is kind of like trying to unblock a septic tank with a grapefruit spoon and the raw suction power of your own lips: it’s likely going to be a painful experience and no matter how well it turns out, you’re going to walk away with a shitty taste in your mouth. To guarantee all the hilarity that a modest budget and minimal effort can buy, I recommend you scrounge through your nearest Wal-Mart discount DVD bin for The Golden Girl: Season 4. With such timeless classics as the episode where Dorothy finally reveals that she’s a tranny, the moment that Sophia gets confused enough to shit in a potted plant, and the one where Blanche discovers that you’re never too old to get HIV, this comedic powerhouse will have something for everyone…

But Also Consider: Doing a lot of drinking.

Don’t forget to check back every Sunday for a new fresh review! Next week shittymovienight.com presents: a much, much needed holiday break. But we’ll return in the new year, recharged and ready for more pain and suffering.

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