So I am now….. 32 (had to do the math) years old. I am married with two wonderful, beautiful children. We’re coming up on our 8th wedding anniversary and our kids just yesterday turned 7. I’m working for the state as an Accountant. So I have a stable career, Love, kids, and life just gets better each year. There luckily aren’t any major issues, but I’ve just been doing so much learning lately. Life, in general, has been making more sense to me, as in, the deep questions that people have about life, I feel that I have answers to. As is common in my personal life, things have been snowballing. I’m not sure if it’s my maturity, my Adderall or the fact that the snowballing is actually a positive subject this time that doesn’t necessarily require immediate action, but this effect has been pleasurable and enlightening this time around. 

I’ve always been one to live in the past or in the future. Never the current. Recently, I feel that I’m everywhere, past, present, future. Looking back at the past to understand me and my lessons and learning from mistakes. Looking to the future to plan for what I want and how to become the person I need to be. Steadily in the present to be the best me, best mom and best wife that I possibly can. 

I have found God. Even as a child that is not something I could believe in. The only time I’d pray is when I was at my lowest points in life; insufferable depression from neglect, living with an abusive father, living with and loving a manipulative sociopath. But I never felt it in my heart. Looking at the world today, I saw how bad it was getting. It was scaring me. I’d joke about how all these terrifying events that just should not be happening would make me believe in God and then it actually did. Without going into detail, I learned a little more about the world and started studying things and people that aren’t talked about in the media. Puzzle pieces started coming together. I couldn’t deny that there was evil in the world. Maybe a month went by before a random thought came to my head, if I can believe in evil and Satan, then why is God so farfetched? I was driving to a store, so I parked and thought about it for a moment. My mind so closed off to the idea, I almost had to pull it open just to entertain it. Once I did, I realized that I couldn’t believe in evil and not good or Satan and not God. This was a turning point for me. I still had questions though. Long story short- I did more research, watched videos, read books and articles and while obviously nothing can be 100% certain, answers that I had been looking for my whole life came to me. 

The past is just that. I feel like one of the hardest things to overcome is the past. There’s so much pain that hard to rid yourself of. Or sometimes there’s so much greatness that’s hard to forget. I have not had a good life until I met my husband, so beautiful memories aren’t a thing for me with one exception that I will get into. I always thought the hardest pain for me to get over would be the issues with my father. However, I was mistaken. When I was 19 years old, I met the one thing that would cause me the biggest heartache. It was different because I barely had memories of my father, I barely had interactions with him. I was a small child when he went to prison. My pain from him, up until his return, was stemmed from the fact that I did not have a father in my life and I desperately wanted one. It came from the fact that my mother did not know how to be a good mother and give me what I needed as a daughter or even as someone she cares about, so I had literally no one to turn to my whole life. I never blamed my mother for this, I blamed my father for not being there. He couldn’t and I’d later learn that I wouldn’t want him to and the events in my childhood probably worked out the best way it could given the circumstances. But at the time, it did not feel that way at all. So when Geoff came into my life, I saw a savior. Here was a man who actually talked to me (none ever had), a man who found me attractive and for a moment in time, treated me as a prize (never felt that from anyone). Here was a man who was indeed, a man. He was 31 when I met him at age 19. Twelve years older than me. About the same age, I am now. I can’t imagine dating a 19-year-old at this age. I can’t imagine dating a 26-year-old at this age. There’s so much learning and maturity that happens during your 20’s, even 28 seems iffy. Yet, for him, I was mature enough. No. He wasn’t looking for maturity. He was looking for someone he could easily control. We were together for 4 or 5 years. This blog was started because of him. Go to the very first posts, you can follow the downfall of our “relationship”. I loved to write my whole life and had found out about blogs. I had a few. They were literally my lifesaver. Growing up, I was so depressed I wanted to die. I fantasized about it. I cut myself wishing that I had the guts to go deeper and end it all. Writing didn’t make these feelings go away, but it did give me an outlet and made the days easier to get through. It started as a necessity or I’d feel like I was going crazy. Then it became a fun way to talk about my opinions on pop culture. This specific blog was started to make heads or tails of a relationship purposefully crafted to keep me in a confused state. I’d later learn the word for this is gas lighting. He was so good at it I never knew what the truth of anything was. I second guessed everything in my life, my thoughts, my feelings, what actions were right or wrong. I’d try to stay a few steps ahead of every conversation because every conversation ended in an argument. Everything I did was wrong. Not only was my head completely fucked up from this, not only was I in such a fog that he could do or say anything and I felt that I was wrong so it was easy to keep me in place to a point, but I was in love. There are times when I look back, I try to figure out if I really was in love or not. I can’t figure it out. It doesn’t really matter. Everything that happened, happened and I learned that none of it mattered. At least it didn’t matter in the sense of our relationship. I used to sit and think of everything he said and did and if that meant that he ever actually loved me or cared for me. I couldn’t figure it out and ultimately THAT’S what didn’t matter. How much he loved or cared for me, or how much I loved and cared for him, the amount/level on either of our parts is meaningless. What matters is that I learned to never let anyone take advantage of me. Never accept disrespect or anything less than someone making me feel amazing. Towards the end of our relationship, I wanted to die almost as much as when I was younger. I didn’t look forward to each day, I dreaded them. But I felt that this was my only option. Geoff had told me so. No one would ever treat me as good as he does or love me as much as he does. So if he is always right, then that statement is true if that statement is true, then where else would I go? I learned that I’m incredibly strong and can handle anything and everything. I learned that I cannot lose my head in a fight with my heart and that if my head and heart are fighting, then it is not a good situation to be in. I learned the most important thing ever in my life: to trust my gut even if it doesn’t make sense. 

While with my self-appointed savior, I met the man who actually would save me. He would become my husband. At the time, he was a good friend who I loved and cared about more than anything. When we first started talking, he was a really funny guy that took me away from my issues. I always remember him as the light that broke the clouds because that’s how I felt at that time. I did not think he would last in my life, but he was so fun to talk to. I would be sad, anxious, depressed and lonely, then he would come online and we’d talk for hours and my life would seem so bright and hopeful. Our relationship was not easy. How could it be? I was completely damaged. We met while I was with someone else, he fell in love with me and I could not return the sentiment. We dated while I was broken up but again, I was only pieces of a person and not even done with my horrific saga. We got engaged and I broke it off, I broke his heart. Devaughn has always made me want to be the best version of myself. I could not stand to be with him if I could not give him the best of me while he was seeing the worst. Due to all the lies, gas lighting and abuse, these years are a bit of blur. However, once I was done with Geoff, I took some time to myself. Once I felt healed enough to be myself again, Devaughn and I dated, got engaged and not too long after got married. I’ve always been an anxious person and never knew the right thing to do, but the day we got married, my feelings mimicked the day we met in person: I had zero fears, I was completely sure. Of course, that couldn’t last, so once we were actually married, I had a ton of fears and doubts. Devaughn then proceeded to teach me so much but in the first time in my life, I learned in a positive way. I learned to trust again. I learned to respect. I had to learn how to speak, how to discuss issues with a person. I had my defenses up my entire life and it only got worse and worse, he taught me that those needed to come down. I learned how to be vulnerable and honest about my feelings. I no longer have sarcastic hurtful remarks that is a veil for my hurt feelings or anger (well, nowhere near as much anyway). Instead, I take some time to figure out why I’m angry or hurt and talk to him about the real issue. I learned that even though I’m incredibly strong, I shouldn’t have to be all of the time. I learned that no one can make you feel amazing all of the time, people are human and make mistakes, BUT! They should love you and care about you enough to work on those mistakes and discuss them and do what they can to make you feel secure and comfortable with being their partner. I learned that I do not need anyone ever, but it is wonderful to have someone by your side who is your actual partner. Not someone above you or below you, but right next to you. Devaughn has opened up my heart and my mind to the point where I could honestly look at myself and the world. 

After so many lessons, after opening my heart and mind, after finding God and learning about love and life, I was brought to another lesson: Love everyone. I used to feel this, it was a part of my innocence and optimism that I thought was stolen from me during the darkest period of my life. I guess the thing is that I just felt it previously, I didn’t learn to do this. It’s so much harder this way. Now it’s a choice. I feel that no one is bad. No one is good. We all are just people. We do bad things, we do good things. The goal is to do more good than bad. The goal is to love and or respect everyone. It’s so easy right now to hate and be angry. But we have to choose acceptance and love. 

I forgive my mother for not being what I needed when I was a child. I forgive her for not being what I need now. I forgive her for seemingly always putting herself or my sister first and never taking me seriously. I forgive her for putting so many insecurities on me so that I would never feel happy with myself and feel that she would never be happy with me. I know that is not her intention. I know she was trying. I know that she loved me and does and always will. Just as I will always love her. 

I forgive my father for not being there for me as a child. I forgive him for being one of the biggest sources of my darkness and depression throughout my life. I forgive him for being a pedophile and an abuser and a rapist. I forgive him for destroying our family and creating the catalyst for my downfall. There are feelings and thoughts that he can’t control having, I understand that. I believe he regrets his actions. I believe he wants to make things right. I wish that his actions and feelings weren’t so severe that I could fix our relationship. But they are and I can’t have a relationship with him. While that makes me sad and mourn what could have been, I understand what reality is and I love him and forgive him. 

I forgive Geoff. I put so much energy into figuring out things in our relationship that never made sense to me. I learned that it was abusive. I learned that he was manipulating me. I learned that he had many signs of being a sociopath. Once I learned about that, I couldn’t see that it was anything other than him not having feelings and liked to manipulate people, not just me, to portray a certain image and get what he wanted. I don’t fully understand sociopathy, but I believe it can’t be controlled. Whether it can or not, whether his actions had an intent or not, I loved him so much. I also learned so much. Ultimately, my relationship with him led me to where I needed to be led. So I forgive him for all the pain and confusion and darkness he gave me. 

I forgive myself. I put myself in terrible situations and refused to leave. I thought I knew better when I didn’t. I thought I knew nothing when I knew everything. I physically hurt myself, I’ve hated myself, I’ve poisoned myself. I’ve lied and cheated myself and there are so many times where I wouldn’t even take responsibility for these actions! Maybe I needed to be my worst enemy to be my best friend. Maybe keeping my head in a negative space let me ignore the real issues so I didn’t fall into a deeper depression that certainly would have killed me. I don’t know. I honestly have not looked at myself enough to understand my thoughts and feelings beyond the pain. But I do know and understand that I am just as much to blame for the pain and darkness in my life as any of the people above. I could have left, I could have listened, I could have understood. Instead, I blamed and villainized so I could become the victim. I wanted someone to feel bad for me and save me but no one did feel bad or care and that’s what lead to me too many bad situations. I needed to save myself. I forgive myself because I didn’t know better and wasn’t given the tools. That doesn’t mean I couldn’t have figured it out, but it means that I didn’t. It means that the more I know now, the better I treat myself because I DO love myself and I care about me and I need to show it. 

There are so many people who have hurt me, cheated me, lied about me, thought ill of me throughout my life. It added to my darkness but I understand why they did. I understand that it is sometimes hard to know the truth or know what is right. I know that there are times people get caught up in the negative and they don’t even think about it. It will affect others but once you realize what you’re doing it’s too late to right the wrong. I understand that oftentimes we are not even aware of the pain we bring to others. Who knows how many people I’ve brought the same kind of darkness that was placed on me? Who knows how much pain I have caused? I do not know. I want to know to better understand, but I can never know. I understand this truth, I understand and accept these circumstances. That’s why I can forgive everyone, I love everyone. There is nothing but love in my heart and when negativity, anger, frustration, sadness or anything other than love and caring enters my head, I must…. WE must choose love. This is what I have learned. This is what I know. This is what we all should know and practice.