Everybody knows that Instagram is for raking in the compliments, Twitter is for causing murder and Facebook is for… well, what exactly is Facebook for these days?
With more and more social platforms trying the carve themselves a place in this face-paced digital era, Facebook is on it’s death bed; full of your mum’s mates and people trying to sell whitening toothpaste for pyramid schemes.
Despite it being on it’s arse for the last couple of years, I still can’t bring myself to delete the app. After all, I’ve got photos on there that date back to when it was cool to throw the peace sign up when you took selfies by turning around your Samsung flip phone. But whilst I might be a silent spectator these days, there are some people who still use it. And they use it hard. So, let’s takes a look at the five people you still find on Facebook.
The girl who’s on her fourth profile
Be very wary of anyone with ‘new’ next to their name, 9/10 times it’s because they’ve caused murder, called everyone a slut, shagged your ex and only returned to sell Juice Plus. Their cover photo is invariably a passive aggressive quote about moving on from fuckboys, with “amen” as the caption so her ex can see it even though she’s deleted him as a friend.
The person who’s always selling rabbits
Usually from their mum’s basement. Likely to have a heavily encrypted hard drive. Be wary, and please god, don’t buy a rabbit off them.
The “I’m not racist, but…”
Shares a lot of Tommy Robinson videos and thinks Boris Johnson is a lovable buffoon – but isn’t racist because they “have black mates”. Gets particularly sketchy at the concept of Burkas. Threw an actual pony-painting party for his kid’s birthday, but all of a sudden gives a fuck about animal welfare because halal.
The person who’s having a ‘facebook clear-out’
“This website is TOXIC and as of today (4pm) I will be RESTRICTING MY FACEBOOK to just close FRIENDS and FAMILY. If you make the cut then CONGRATULATIONS, I must consider you a worthwhile human being”.
You haven’t seen this person since school.
The oversharer
Just had chippy tea think they under-cooked the salt and pepper chicken my stomach is definitely off — feeling sick
Been up with the #shits all night hoping Laura From Work will cover my shift today — feeling desperate
Sick day on the couch with Cat Who Inexplicably Has Its Own Fucking Facebook Profile — feeling grateful.
Mute.
Until next time… x
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