Lately I’ve gotten a few emails from people around the world asking about what it’s really like to live in Poland.

This type of enquiry could be for a couple of reasons, Poland was the only country whose economy grew last year in the EU zone and is looking more attractive to immigrants. Also the fact that more and more people now have Polish friends in their home countries that it has led to a curiosity about their friend’s homeland.

Last week, I felt the warm silky breath of a middle-aged man on the back of my neck while I queued to pay for my spuds

Anyway, to quell the fierce thirst for knowledge about the mighty Rzeczpospolita Polska, that’s Republic of Poland for us English speakers.

Speaking of England and the English there’s a common stereotype held by the Tommies that they are the world leaders at the extreme sport of Queuing. This, of course, is a self-held belief that nobody queues quite like the English.

I fear that I must drown that stereotype in a bath of ice-cold Polish vodka. To be honest the best queuers in the world are The Germans.

Queuing in Germany is a joy, nobody pushes, everyone is quiet, no morons shouting down phone. If they are on the phone, other queuers are respected and nobody stands too closely together. But the best is that when the queue moves forward, while you are daydreaming, the person behind you will politely touch your shoulder and ask you to move forward.

So what’s this got to do with Poland, well my friends it’s like this. The English think they can queue, The Germans are the world leaders but the Poles haven’t got a clue when it come to queuing.

I’ve been told, umteen times and I do need to add that the reason the Poles are so bad at queuing is because of the former Communist regime. You simply had to queue for everything and like Homer Simpson has said in the past, the harder we push the quicker we get there. Of course, it was a sad state of affairs and I’m thankful that I wasn’t around during that time, but here’s the thing. That finished in 1989, why the hell has nobody learnt how to queue properly in over twenty years.

People stand on top of each other, last week in Tesco, I felt the Warm Silky Breath of a middle-aged man on the back of my neck while I queued to pay for my spuds. After 5 minutes of his huffing and puffing onto the back of my neck, I had had enough. I turned around to find myself staring at his massive chest and said to myself, ok you’ve turned around now, don’t chicken out, so I looked up and into his eyes and said very slowly, “If you stand any closer you’ll have to at least buy me a drink first”. Now, of course, he didn’t understand, so I mimed to him to move the hell away from me, he mumbled something and I mimed again to him that I didn’t really like being breathed on. He moved away and I won the battle.

But the war? Well that’s a different kettle of Koi fish. If you come to Poland be prepared to have people standing right up your ass, way too close for comfort. The whole notion of personal space in Poland is a good 50cm smaller than in Ireland or Britain.

Here’s a few tips for queuing in Poland

1. Speak loudly on the phone in your foreign language, that’ll freak the older people out.

2. Turn around and engage in conversation, that’ll really freak people out, especially old women. Oh, just to say, old women in Poland are akin to a very strict battalion of crack commandos. Don’t mess with them unless you’re sure you can win.

3. Swear like a mofo, even though people may not be able to understand English, most people will know the swear words from television.

4. Fart.

5. Make sure everything that you eat has a content of at least 60% garlic.

6. Drink plenty of beer and belch like a warthog.

Here are some useful phrases for when you are queuing in Poland

1. You smell pretty,

Ladnie pachniesz.

2. If you get any closer you’ll need to buy me breakfast in the morning,

Jeżeli podejdziesz jeszcze bliżej będziesz musiała kupić mi śniadanie jutro rano

3. Usually people buy me a drink before they enter me from behind.

Zwykle ludzie najpierw stawiaja mi drnika zanim zachodzą mnie od tyłu.

4. Your body odour is lovely, come and stand closer to me.

Twoj zapach ciała jest cudowny, czy mogę przystanąć nieco bliżej?

5. No, please, really stand closer, you’re a very beautiful 70 year old woman.

Nie proszę, stań bliżej, jesteś naprawdę piękna 70-letnią kobietą.

6. God, I am so horny right now.

Boże, jestem teraz taki napalony.

7. Are you on Facebook? Twitter? Can I have your link, we should network.

Jesteś na Facebooku? Twitterze? Czy mogę zostać jednym z Twoich znajomych?

8. Any chance of a quick snog while your husband is gone to the toilet?

Twój mąż wyszedł do toalety. Jakieś szanse na szybki pocałunek?

9. I’m not gay but man, you’re really tempting me.

Nie jestem gejem, ale facet naprawdę mnie kusisz.

Or it all else fails,

10. F*ck off, you’re standing way too close to me.

Odpieprz się, stoisz o wiele za blisko.