I’m working my way through Richard Herring’s Emergency Questions book, 15 questions at a time. This week, it’s questions 151-165. You can read more about this project here. Please be aware that some of the questions are somewhat vulgar.

151. If you were a little pig, what would you make your house of in order to deter the big bad wolf?

I searched Google for ‘what do dogs hate’ and it said lemons, so I would make a House out of lemons. I imagine it’ll be like living in a bottle of Febreeze.

152. If you could have a sex robot of any human living or dead, who would you have a sex robot of?

Victoria Wood, but only if it had a function that played her ‘Let’s Do It’ song.

153. Who would win in a fight between the shark from Jaws and Jaws from James Bond?

I would go for the shark, but it depends on where the fight takes place. If it was on land, then Jaws from James Bond would have a serious advantage.

154. If you had a silo what would you store in it?

Cherry-flavoured diet cola, preferably either Pepsi Max or Coca Cola Zero. I don’t have a strong preference between the two of them. (And if you do, then I think you’re weird)

155. International Women’s Day? When’s International Men’s Day?

It’s 19th November. One of the things Richard Herring is famed for is spending the whole of International Women’s Day responding to people (usually men) who rant on Twitter about there not being an International Men’s Day. There is, and you can literally put ‘International Men’s Day’ into Google to get the result.

This year Richard encourage donations to Refuge and raised over £150,000 in the process.

156. Are we all doomed or is there some way out of this mess?

Oh we’re all doomed.

Sorry, which mess are we talking about?

157. Would you rather wear a hat made out of beef or shoes made out of yoghurt?

Hat made out of beef. It would be tasty and a little more practical than yoghurt shoes.

158. If you got the chance would you cryogenically freeze yourself at the point of death in the hope of being cured in the future? How do you think you’d fit in if it worked out for you? Wouldn’t you be worried the future humans would think you were a primitive idiot?

I certainly wouldn’t pay for it. I gather it’s very expensive, and I might be frozen for a very long time before a cure could be found. And what would the cure be? Would I end up as a head in a jar like in Futurama? What would my quality of life be like? It would be a bit of a let-down if I was frozen for so long and then couldn’t actually do much once revived.

Sorry, I seem to have answered this question with more questions…

159. What’s the most pretentious book you’ve ever bought, but never read?

Honestly can’t remember. I’m not a big buyer of books. Whilst I have bought some books that I’ve never read, I can’t remember them being particularly pretentious.

160. Is less more? Or is it less? And more is more? I mean occasionally less is better than more, but that wasn’t the question was it? It’s always less.

I think sometimes having less is better. Especially when you moved house over two years ago and still haven’t unpacked everything…

161. If everyone else in the world left in a spaceship and left you behind, so everything belonged to you: Where would you live? What paintings would you have on your wall? Would you be lonely? Where would be the most ostentatious place you would masturbate?

Yes, I would be lonely. Whilst it’s nice to have time on my own, I’d get lonely after a few hours.

As for where I would live? Probably in either my or my parent’s house as I know I’d be safe there. Just because there would be no other humans, doesn’t mean there won’t be feral cats, wild dogs…

162. Do you think anyone will actually count up all the questions in this book to check that there are definitely 500?

Knowing Richard Herring’s fans: yes.

163. Would you rather be a sparrow or a snail?

A sparrow. Being able to fly would be fun.

164. Are you the postman or the letterbox?

I try to be the postman, but sometimes I end up being the letterbox.

165. What is your favourite colour?

Purple is my go-to answer. However, if you look at my wardrobe, it’s mostly black tops and beige trousers.

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