A POINTLESS EXERCISE

Hello! You’ve been named athletic director of a Power 5 conference school. It’s time for you to make a big splash. Stadium expansion, you say? Perhaps a new apparel deal? Big neutral-site intersectional clash with a traditional power? Nope! It’s time to think bigger. You’ve decided to declare your athletic department an independent nation, and assert your prominence on the world stage through the most natural route: Amateur Winter sports!

Don’t laugh. As soon as Nick Saban’s nuclear program goes live, the Crimson Republic will break away.

Anyways, what incredibly thin premise am I grasping at today? I’m glad you asked! We’re going to draft a Winter Olympics team using college athletes, because [crosstalk, unintelligible].

Thanks to the NCAA generously loosening transfer rules (read: you’ve offered Mark Emmert future asylum and protection from extradition), you’ll be able to pick five current or just-graduated players from any program to compete in events of your choosing, with the single-minded goal of leading the medal count, or at least not finishing dead last. You may only pick each event once.

Here’s my sample ballot! Add yours in the comments.

BOBSLED: Da’Ron Payne, Alabama

Bobsled is going to be the most natural translation from college football to the Winter Olympics - in fact, a good portion of the US Men’s team is comprised of former college players. So I’m going to take an easy pick here to start. I want to see Da’Ron Payne throw a bobsled through the track.

ICE DANCING: Lamar Jackson, Louisville

If you don’t want to see this you’re dead inside. Also, suggesting a position change for Lamar is de rigeur these days.

FREESTYLE AERIALS: Saquon Barkley, Penn State

SKELETON: Brian Kelly, Notre Dame

YOU: He’s not even a player. He’s an unathletic 56-year-old man. This doesn’t even make sense per the already-thin premise of your post.

ME: [pushing Brian Kelly headfirst down an icy chute] Are you going to help me here or not, grab a leg

SKI JUMP: Any Member of the 2017 Miami Hurricanes

I figure, they’re already most of the way there. They know how to pick up speed fast, reach unexpected heights, go really far, and come back down to earth fast.

They’ve just gotta learn to stick the landing.

Let’s hear yours!