By: REALSPORTS
SportParody Staff Writer

Following an article yesterday in the Wall Street Journal commenting on the increasing difficulty of “rank-and-file” baseball fans to secure playoff tickets, teams have responded by defending their policies to protect the “real fans” of baseball.

“We vigorously defend this policy”, says Dave Howard, executive vice president of business operations for the New York Yankees. “By limiting playoff tickets to season-ticket holders, we ensure that our real fans have access to the most important games.” When asked what fans who couldn’t afford season tickets should do, Howard did not offer much sympathy. “Listen”, says Howard, “if you’re not willing to shell out thousands of dollars for season tickets, then you’re clearly not a real fan. In fact, if you’re only paying a couple thousand for tickets, you’re one pretty cheap bastard, and you only deserve to get playoff tickets to one game, in the bleeding-nose section. Come to mention it, that’s our new policy, and I say those cheap-ass fans are pretty lucky for even that. The real, true, diehard fans are the ones who are paying at least $10,000 for tickets.”

James Dawson, a New York-based investment banker who is paying $75,000 for a pair of season tickets behind home plate, agrees with the Yankees’ policy of limiting playoff tickets. Says Dawson, “The true Yankees fans are those investment bankers and corporate lawyers sitting in the skyboxes and down near the field. I mean, why else would we be paying so much for tickets unless we were true fans?”

Despite Dawson’s “true” love of the Yankees, he admits to not knowing much about the team, or of baseball itself. “I don’t even go to most games,” he says, “I give away the tickets to clients to keep them happy. When I do go, I’m usually on my phone making business deals. Baseball’s such a boring sport anyway. That’s why I was in science club instead of Little League when I was growing up.”


Thanks, George