By: SouthsideBrawlers
SportParody Staff Writer

Among the slate of NFL games tomorrow, the Bears/Redskins game features a personal duel between the starting QBs that will make or break their seasons.

With similar college football and professional numbers, Bears QB Kyle Orton and Redskins QB Patrick Ramsey are both out to prove they deserve the last NFL groupie. To gain a perspective on what tomorrow's game means to Orton and Ramsey, one must understand the “shagability” factor that both players are lacking.

The top quarterbacks in the league - Tom Brady, Donovan McNabb, and Peyton Manning - deservedly date the likes of Jessica Alba, Anna Kournikova, and Beyonce while other top position players such as Ray Lewis, Randy Moss, and Terrell Owens celebrate victories by drenching their Gatorade on hotties of similar caliber.

Unfortunately, Orton and Ramsey rank behind most offensive linemen in terms of desirability (determined 99% by athletic ability, .99% by looks, and .01% by personality), and as such, they are fighting over the last NFL groupies for a victory dance in bed. First in line is the always available Paris Hilton look-alike, who also happens to be a crack whore. After Hilton, there’s a large drop off in quality, with fellow crack whore Courtney Love, then Rosie O’Donnell, and finally Roseanne.

Even with most groupies off the table, Ramsey and Orton both admit there is still a lot at stake. Said Orton: “Even though I might break Paris in half on game night, it is better than getting broke in half by Roseanne. I take a big enough beating during the games.” Added Orton, “Hilton is no Lombardi trophy, but rumor has it that Courtney Love is more black and blue than the NFC north. If I lose this game, I may opt for early retirement and look to the bars in West Lafayette for my groupie love.”


Ramsey and Orton are battling for one night in Paris.