By: SouthsideBrawlers
SportParody Staff Writer

KANSAS CITY — Chicago White Sox Broadcaster, Ken “The Hawk” Harrelson, gave White Sox fans a scare on Thursday almost as fearful as the team's recent chances of making the playoffs. With the lead dwindling down to 4.5 games and after having dropped 5 of their last 6 overall and 2 out of 3 to the Royals (arguably the worst team in baseball), the Hawk’s heart could not take it anymore, according to doctors at a local Kansas City Hospital.

After being rushed to the hospital, doctors had a hard time operating on Harrelson, according to Chief Surgeon Richard Harrington. “Before we started operating on his heart, we were spending hours looking for the damn thing. We stumbled upon something that looked like another intestine, and we figured that this is normally where someone’s heart would be.”

The doctors spent another hour debating what this was until they came to the conclusion that it was The Hawk’s heart, which had a sock-like shape. “In extremely rare cases", said Harrington, "when somebody becomes overly obsessive over something their heart tends to turn into whatever they are emotionally over-attached to. In this case, it happened to be the White Sox.”

Harrington noted that while Hawk’s strangely shaped heart was abnormal, it was not the reason for his heart attack. In fact, it had more to do with the fact that his heart was falling apart in similar fashion to the team he has grown to fall in love with. Said Harrington, “His heart is in terrible shape. We really hope his team can put it together, so his heart will turn from what resembles a decaying, moldy sock, into one that has not even been worn yet.”

The only witness to the heart attack was the Hawk’s broadcast partner, Darrin “DJ” Jackson, who claims that he sadly saw it coming. “It all started with the 7 game losing streak in August. He kept saying on the air that every team is entitled to a slump and that there was no need to go out and get a guy like Ken Griffey Jr. and all that bull shit. But you could see right through it. He was just trying to hang in there and buy himself some time. After that, it was all downhill from there. The ‘He Gones’ and ‘You can Put in on the Boards’ were becoming less and less. Eventually, there were no more excuses he could come up with to cover the White Sox shitty play. Once you start losing to the Royals, there is nothing you can say.”

When asked how he felt about the Hawk’s condition, DJ didn’t show much hope. “After the doctors told me that the Hawk’s heart depends on how well the White Sox play over the last few weeks of the regular season, all I can say is, ‘He Gone!’”

Doctors agree, which is why they are trying to revert to other means of curing the Hawk’s heart. “Since there is little hope for the White Sox to turn it around, we are trying to get the Hawk to become less and less obsessed with this pathetic team. We are going to use techniques similar to those used to treat drug addicts. For next week's games, we will show him the first 8 innings, which will be enough to satisfy his cravings but not destroy his heart. We just have to make sure to turn off the game before they lose. Then, we will gradually reduce the amount of innings until he realizes there are more important things in life than White Sox baseball. We hope this will transform his heart from a sock to a normal heart shape.”

While Hawk has grudgingly allowed doctors to proceed, he realizes that this could be the end of his 16 year broadcasting career. Said Hawk, “This is terrible. No more ‘Can of Corn’, ‘Streeeeetch!’, ‘He Gone’, or ‘I love email.’ I can’t even go on and on about how bats break easily nowadays and were so much better back in the day. Worst of all, the only time I can say ‘You can put it on the Board’ is after I’m done banging my wife. You can Put it in the Boaaaaaaaard, Noooooo!”



DJ doesn't have much hope for his partner's future - “After the doctors told me that the Hawk’s heart depends on how well the White Sox play over the last few weeks of the regular season, all I can say is, ‘He Gone!’”