I’m telling you, no one had a better combination of game tape and Combine measurables than Beer.

Screw what the Miami Dolphins are going to do in the 2017 NFL Draft for a moment and think about yourself: what are YOU going to choose in that 1st round this year, as you prepare to plop your derriere into a raggedy recliner for a few hours? Are you going for some buffalo wings? Shall you char slabs of meat on a grill? 7-layer dip perhaps?

For a few years now, I’ve opted for nachos or steak in the 1st round, and allowed beer to slip into the 2nd round. I focused too much on limiting risk, and not enough on the unlimited ceiling of beer, which ironically makes you hit the floor.

Either way, this year, I’m not f***in’ around: beer me in Round 1. An aggressive strategy, I know. We’re not used to picking this late in the 1st round - it’ll be a marathon, not a sprint. But I want everyone to know just what kind of prospect we’re dealing with here. Beer is a once-in-a-generation talent.

Beer’s Combine Performance

• John Ross broke the 40 record? Please. Likely story. Behind the scenes, though, we know what really happened. Beer broke the 40 record while breaking the bench press record at the same time. It’s a story that would’ve broke the Internet, so I’m sure you understand.
• Broad jump? Circumference of the Earth.
• The interview? Nailed it. Everybody left that meeting high fiving, hugging, and loving each other, but no one remembered the actual content of the conversation. Found a tattoo on an obscure body part later in the evening.
• Position drills? (BURP)
• Medical exam? Watch a Michelob Ultra commercial. Beer has never looked sexier and healthier.
• 3 cone drill? Accidentally set a Combine record while doing a field sobriety test.

Beer’s Game Tape

On Jan. 15, 2011, beer had one of the best game performances I’ve ever seen. Working its way through the gauntlet known as Joe Namath’s body, beer made play after play, inevitably giving us a deliciously slurry sound byte involving sideline reporter/quasi-MILF Suzy Kolber.

You know that cousin on your dad’s side that’s, like, 15 years younger than everyone else? That was beer. Beer is a game-changer even into your 40’s.

Scouts think beer might be a poor fit in the locker room: has been known to become furious when seeing bottles of champagne being popped during celebrations. Yet, somehow, beer might be the best locker room addition ever. Depends on the music being played.

Another thing scouts noticed was beer’s overall athleticism. Beer cross-trains all year round, with Wade Boggs, John Daly, and Andre the Giant being some of its most famous client protégés from other sports.

Conclusion

Just like the Miami Dolphins, you can go a few different directions in the 1st round this year. Yes, food is important. Yes, family is important. Yes, being able to not pee in your pants is important. If you pass on beer, I appreciate your caution. It’s a boom-or-bust pick.

“Booming” on beer will take you places, maybe the Super Bowl. “Busting” on beers might mean you have a child that’s 15 years younger than the rest.

(Please be safe. You know I’m a jackass.)