And it went something like this...

Gainesville, Florida on a typically hot, steamy late May afternoon with a once-distant thunderstorm overhead, tapping the ultra-buoyant, super-humid Alachua county air.

Dan Mullen trudges up to his office after a walk-around. Sitting in Dan’s chair is Steve Orr Spurrier.

SOS: Well, hello there, Danny. Say, you don’t mind if I sit in your chair a spell. Your secretary let me right in. Nice gal - didn’t even have to show I.D. I’ve always loved this view. Plus, I ain’t the spring chicken I was back when I used to run things ‘round here. By the way, Mike Bianchi was sittin’ in the lounge. I hope he didn’t have an appointment?

Mullen: Uh…well…sure, Coach. I don’t mind. How can I say no to the man who has a statue in front of the stadium? Bianchi can wait.

SOS: Yeah Denny, it’s a nice tribute. But I deserved it.

Mullen: I’ll get mine one day. It’s only a matter of time. Can I offer you something to drink?

SOS (*coughing and laughing*): Yeah, Denny. Them things just pop up out of the ground all magical, like one of them Chia Pets. It’s good to dream big, Denny. You keep on believin’ that. Maybe they’ll let you play a round at Augusta, too (snickers). I’ll take a Coors Light. I hear you’re out of milkshakes.

Mullen (a bit perturbed): It’s Danny, or Dan. So, what do I owe the pleasure of this visit, coach? I’ve got a great new play I’d like to run by you…

SOS: Danny, I really don’t have time to talk about pitch ‘n catch. I’ll cut to the chase. You’ve got a little Georgie problem and we need to talk before this thing gets, you know, out of hand.

Mullen: Georgia? There’s not much to talk about really. We had ‘em back in November, you know. In only my first year. Had the lead. Just let it slip away. Just couldn’t catch a break. Or, their tailbacks. Kept ‘em out of the endzone on 16 attempts from our 1, though. That right there is a victory. I’m really not that worried about Georgia. Win that game, and we’re in the playoffs. No doubt.

SOS: Well, now Donnie, that ain’t how I’m seeing it at present. Georgie was just plain better ‘n you last year. Gotta fix it. Yep, gotta coach ‘em up, X’s and O’s stuff.

Mullen: They might have a player or two, I’ll concede that. Decent QB. If he was mine, he’d have 2 Heisman’s by now. The only thing McElwain left me was a big, stuffed shark mounted on the wall.

SOS: Well, now, you do have a point. About the shark.

Mullen: If we hit that flea-flicker on first down, we win. Just bad luck.

SOS: Gotta coach that play up, Denny. That’s how I did it. Yessir, fun ‘n gun, pitch ‘n catch. I didn’t have much time for recruitin’. Interfered with my golf game. That’s why you gotta hire good staff.

Mullen: Coach, we’re about to catch ‘em in recruiting. We’ve got 24 crystal balls pointing toward the Gators to pick up that big IMG kid, what’s his name...uh, you know…Brinson…a big D-tackle? Decommitted from Kirby a few months ago. He’ll be ours by sundown. Book it. Should be a 5-Star by the time October rolls around.

SOS: Well, Danny, like I said I don’t really follow recruitin’. Never had time for it. but you do know that kid committed to Georgie, right?

Mullen: What? When the hell did this happen?

SOS: Saturday.

Mullen: (Checks his Twitter feed): Damn! My phone’s been turned off since Friday. I gotta talk to I.T. about that.

SOS: Since Friday? That’s about 39,476 seconds too late, give or take (chuckles).

Mullen (Stares. Hard stare. Not that intimidating stare, mind you. But that goofy-assed Emmett Kelly stare).

SOS: Donnie, let’s be frank. You know, ol’ Kirby is…how do I put this…kicking your ass right now in about every which-a-way. Recrootin’, philosophy, you name it. Hell, even play calling. He’s coachin’ ‘em up, you do realize that, don’cha Donnie? And that’s unacceptable. There’s a Gator Standard at stake here. I hope you’re aware.

Mullen: Now wait a minute. I wouldn’t say he’s kicking anyone’s ass. There’s a perception of improvement, I suppose, since they’ve won a few games since he arrived and that they might be a tick better than his predecessor, but you just wait until I get this certain quarterback. We’ve got this kid Beck coming. A true field general. Great instincts, even better arm. Probably gonna be twice the player that Jake Fromm is. I know. I’m a QB guru…

SOS: Beck? I think your phone needs a new battery, Denny. Do you have a data plan?

Mullen (perplexed): Whut?

SOS (looks down, shakes head): Back on-point, Denny. Kirby nearly won the whole thing with someone else’s players. But never mind that. We gotta talk about how you and your message is gettin’ across. About perception. Some folks down here are beginning to wonder if you got any gator with that growl. Gotta win before you say stuff. Trust me. Unless you’re talking about Tennessee. I wrote the book on trolling Georgie. But for it to work, you gotta beat ‘em first. Otherwise, well, you look like Lane Kiffin. Actually, you sound like Lane Kiffin. You look like Butch Jones.

Mullen: What message? I’m not baiting anyone. Oh, you’re referring to when I said, ‘I’d think we did a poor job recruiting if guys were coming in and then immediately walking out the door because it was something different than what they thought it would be and we lied to them during recruiting, or we sold them on a dream that wasn’t true’ message? I wasn’t even referring to Georgia. Everyone is taking that out of context. Everyone.

SOS: Yeah, well Denny, I’m just saying that things like this can sometimes backfire, sorta’ takes on a life of its own. It just makes you look a bit...stupid. You do realize your best defensive back recruit transferred?

Mullen: They didn’t tell me why I was going to California until I landed. And what’s a portal, anyway?

SOS: You really do need a new phone.

Mullen: Anymore good news for me, coach. I guess I’d better make a call to find out how we’re doing with that Carter kid. He’s the one that’ll put us over the top in the next cycle.

SOS: You’d better sit down for this…

Mullen: You mean?

SOS: Yep. Georgie.

Mullen: When?

SOS: Don’t you read them blogs, Denny? About 3 months after your defensive secondary coach flipped to Georgie.

Mullen (*sighs*): Coach, I won at Mississippi State. And that was as tough a place to recruit as anywhere in America. Heck, they only got electricity in 1997. I built a dynasty over there. Beat LSU back in 2017. You all forget that I’ve won 2 National Championships when I coached right here in Gainesville before. Not one, but two!

SOS: Uh, Denny, I don’t think your definition of coaching and COACHING is a quite the same.

Mullen: But I was there!

SOS: Denny, coaching in this League ain’t easy. Well, it was for me. But the point is, it ain’t for everybody. And it’s not like Ray Goff is gonna walk through that door again up in Athens.

Mullen: (That stare again...)

SOS: I’ve been thinkin’. You might want to give Barry Alvarez a call. He’s a good resource, just in case. I know the season hasn’t started. Everyone needs a ‘Plan B.” Mine was ‘Sakerlina, you know, a place with no expectations. Yours might be somewhere less demanding, too. Maybe Division II ball.

Mullen: I believe in our team! I believe in me and what we’re doing here, coach.

SOS: Who’s your quarterback again?

Mullen: Franks. He’s a good one. Getting better every day. And we’re going to score a ton of points.

SOS: Yeah, well you might want to check the Portal, Donnie. Every day. Maybe Justin Fields will pop back in there soon (smirking). You should think about installing a pay phone (laughing).

Mullen: That’s not funny.

SOS: Well, gotta go. Good talkin’ with you, Denny. You can have your chair back. I appreciate your time, knowin’ how busy you can be before a season. Just remember not to let it interfere too much with your golfin’. That’s the key to happiness. Yep, a round-a-day and beating Georgie. If you can consistently do both, you’re livin’ right.

Mullen: You have any advice, coach. We still respect your opinion around these parts. You did good things here, once.

SOS: I’ve got nothin’, Danny. But, good luck with Georgie. I mean that. By the way, I found this key on the floor.

Mullen: That’s my desk key! Been lookin’ for that since the bowl game.

SOS: I just thought of some advice, Denny. Leave that key under your mat. For the next guy. No need fumblin’ around with those danged key chains. Always break a finger nail on those.