Most people, if asked, would probably say that it is difficult to define exactly what makes a legend. That's because most people are ignorant. The laws of legendhood have been very clearly defined since the beginning of time:
One, you must be extremely fierce, like Cleopatra, Napoleon, or Tyra Banks.
Two, you must spend a lot of time with the gays, like Cher, Bette Midler, or Alexander the Great.
And three, you must go on at least three farewell tours, like Barbra Streisand, Odysseus, or Kiss.
Brett Favre is halfway to being a legend, having achieved one and a half of the three requirements. To be fair, anyone can hang out with gays (although I'm pretty sure Favre is falling short on this one), and fierceitude is an inborn quality—like physical beauty, it should be thought of as a blessing rather than a virtue.
It's impossible to know when, if ever, Favre will be able to overcome the homophobia I am hereby attributing to him. Seriously? I heard he wears two pairs of underwear whenever he has to play against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, just in case. So while he's working on that with his therapist, he's throwing as much energy as he can at his remaining challenge, and upping his farewell tour count (here's the actual timeline, if you're interested):
Practice retirement, 2006: Favre asks the Green Bay Packers where they want to go to dinner. They respond that anywhere he picks is fine with them. He says he's hungry, but not in the mood for anything specific. The Packers say he should just pick anywhere but do it fast because they're getting hungry AND bored. They decide together that Favre will continue to play for the Packers in 2007.
First real retirement, 2008: Favre and the Packers visit the NFC Championship together, but the NFC spends the whole time making out with Tom Brady (who goes on to be humiliated at the Super Bowl), and Favre realizes that the magic is gone from his football career. He breaks up with football and tells the Packers not to call him anymore. But then he realizes he doesn't have anybody to go to the movies with and it sucks going alone, and now that the Packers aren't around all the time there's nobody to pop the zits on his back for him. Still, he can't stand to lose face by crawling back to the Packers, so he starts throwing the idea out that he might be willing to be like, maybe friends with benefits with some other team.
No dice. The Packers still hold Favre's contract and they're not going to release him. They're as sick of him as he is of them, but they'll be damned if they're going to see him happy with anybody else. So with the desperation of a true addict, Favre returns to Green Bay. The Packers laugh in triumph, spit in his face, and trade him to the New York Jets.
Rebound retirement, 2009: Favre enters his relationship with the Jets with all the zeal and passion that any 38-year old man would have with a new, more attractive, and much younger partner. Unfortunately, once the sparkle fades and they get used to each other, Favre realizes that the Jets don't have a whole lot to talk about, and don't remember any of the same bands or TV shows from growing up as he does, due to the age difference. He just doesn't have the patience to listen to Lady Gaga anymore. It isn't working out. He calls it quits. Apparently the contempt is mutual, because the Jets grant him an unconditional release, no questions asked.
Triumphant Re-return, 2009: The Minnesota Vikings send Favre a folded-up note. He unfolds it to read, “DO U LIKE ME? CHECK YES/NO.” He stews. He sighs. He controversially announces that he has no wish to cause controversy. He skips training camp, instead working out with the local high school team in his home town. He realizes that sleeping with high school cheerleaders is a felony. He checks YES. And then he goes to the Vikings, surprising everyone by playing the best season of his football career. He is non-committal about returning for the 2010 season, because he just “doesn't want to feel tied down, man.”
Present-day, 2010: I'm not really sure whether Brett Favre retired at the end of 2009. I don't remember it being announced, but then, if it was, I wouldn't have been paying attention. What he has officially announced is that his ankle is hurt, but if it heals, he will come back to the Vikings. Personally, I think he just doesn't want to do training camp any more. But all signs point to him still being in good shape otherwise, so it probably won't be a bad move on the Vikings' part if they take him. And the Vikings won't even play the Buccaneers this year unless they both make it to the Super Bowl, so Favre won't have to worry about staying up all night before any of his games.
Also, there's this.
