I hate Dungeons and Dragons. There, I said it. Can't stand it. Never could. Tried hard in college to like it. Failed. Lost the ability to be friends with people who played it.

You'd think that Dungeons and Dragons would have been tailor made for me, especially during my late teen years. I was a fantasy geek. I was a drama geek! What could be more appealing than sitting around with my geek friends pretending to be wizards? I did really like the idea. I had a brief flirtation with the SCA when I was about sixteen that probably would have blossomed into love if the Association Chapter had actually been in the same state where I lived.

Anyway. It turns out that D&D is less whimsy and creative teamwork than it is thinking of ways to magically fuck your friends (both figuratively and...well...figuratively, I guess) and then argue about whether it's legal in the “universe” of the “game.” Oh, and don't get me started on dice. I don't care how long ago it was or how young you were, if you have ever been excited to own a new set of dice, we have nothing more to say to each other.

I realize that fantasy sports is a whole different sort of game for a whole different sort of person. But it still involves using complicated math to determine a reality that does not exist, and for that reason I do not trust it. However, in the spirit of getting into the spirit of things, I went ahead and joined my husband's fantasy football league/ Here is my team:

Quarterback – I'm not a complete idiot, and I decided that if I was going to do this fantasy thing I was going to be in it not to lose it, so my first pick for quarterback was Drew Brees. Unfortunately, I picked sixth in my league's live draft and he got taken before that (no surprise). So I went with Matt Ryan. Ryan's a solid pick; as a matter of fact, he's so good I can't make a joke about him. It's like Meryl Streep and TMZ. They don't bother following her because there's no dirt there. But if there were, it still wouldn't hurt her career at all--she's that damn good. As a backup QB I picked Tyler Thigpen, because he's my favorite.

Wide Receiver – Since Drew Brees got snapped up immediately, I used my first pick to go with Chad Ochocinco, who my husband has dubbed the patron saint of this blog. I don't care what anybody says, I like Ochocinco. He's a little bit dumb, he's a lotta bit crazy, and he's really, really good at football. So there. I went with several backup wide receivers, which seemed like a wise choice because there are more receiver slots on the fantasy team than any other position, and craziness in a celebrity is delightful to me, but may lead to a professional athlete getting suspended from play. So I backed up the Och with Dez Bryant (also delightfully crazy and probably risking some kind of suspension in the upcoming season), Golden Tate (normally well behaved unless there are donuts nearby), and I picked Pierre Garcon and Mohamed Masssaquoi as a package deal in honor of the memory of the French and Indian war.

Running Backs – My running backs are Ricky William, Knowshon Moreno, LaDainian Tomlinson, and Lousaka Polite. I don't know anything about any of them. I hope they're good.

Rest of the Team – I picked Chris Cooper as my single defensive player because he was fantastic in Seabiscuit. I mean, I love that guy. He's a chameleon! You practically can't recognize him from one movie to the next. Boo Robinson is everybody's favorite character from To Kill a Mockingbird, so I was lucky he didn't get drafted before I could get to him. For my defensive line I went with Baltimore because (as I've mentioned before) they seem to have had more books written about them than any other NFL team, and I like that sort of intellectual initiative.

The only players left on my roster are Jason Witten as the tight end and Rob Bironas as kicker. I don't remember why I picked either of them, as I don't really remember doing it and I don't recognize either of their names. I think I just needed to fill those slots and they were the highest-rated players still left.

Anyway, there are no pictures or links with this post because I've procrastinated writing it for a good week and now I'm scrambling to get it up before the opening game tonight. And I'm missing Project Runway to watch it, so I hope Drew Brees is grateful.