“Be strong, live happy and love, but first of all
Him whom to love is to obey, and keep
His great command!”
(Paradise Lost, John Milton 1867)
For almost 20 years, I have sat waiting for the world to be a better place. I have tried to do the right thing, striving to be the person I believed God, particularly Jesus, wanted me to be. I strove to be His hands and feet. I told myself that if I followed the supposed rules, if I towed the line, I would easily find Happiness and fulfilment. When I realized I was fighting a losing battle, when I recognized I could not earn my way into heaven, my relationship with God changed. The way I viewed the world, it changed also. I became quite aware that the elusive Joy I was searching for always came in limited release. I could entertain it but I could never maintain it. Something, usually life, always got in the way. It still does. I always assumed that my relationship with the divine would ultimately bring me comfort but I was wrong. There is no ascension for us, no level of happiness we can fully achieve. We are all hopelessly mired down by the very thought of it. The idea that salvation, while earthbound, comes from God is outdated and repugnant to me. The notion that anything can bring you real happiness is nothing but an enormous prevarication. The truth is, happiness is one great big wonderful lie.
They tell me the only true way to find Peace is to bring it upon yourself. We are responsible for our state of being, whether we know it or not. This might seem valid
when viewed from some distance but most people have little to no control over their lot in life. While we can choose to maintain our sense of well-being throughout any cataclysm, it is almost impossible to do. There seems little purpose in all our suffering. The fact remains, there is no hope behind our madness and no apparent order to all our chaos. I do not mean to imply that one is unable to find happiness within this life. What I mean is that happiness, to almost every degree, is always brief and fleeting. It comes and goes like bad weather. It is oh so mortal to go with that flow. Our balance and resolve has a direct correlation to the experiences we encounter on a daily basis. This happiness is a very subjective state. What might give one person peace and understanding may well bring sorrow and heartache to another. It all depends on your point of view. Yes, it is true, deciding to be happy, and then doing so, is more than possible. We all have the innate ability to ride out the storm. We all can have that elusive thing called Joy. I would argue that these moments are brief, covered over by one thing after another until we want to scream. We can tell ourselves it will all be okay, we can convince ourselves that this is so but no matter what you do, you must suffer. It is through suffering that we find the very God we have been looking for.
“Knowledge forbidden?
Suspicious, reasonless. Why should their Lord
Envy them that? Can it be a sin to know?
Can it be death?”
(Paradise Lost, John Milton 1867)
Religion has told us that the reward for following this God or that God is a "peace that passes understanding" (Philippians4:7). I for one would like to know just how long it is supposed to take before we can take advantage of this so-called reward. I have never known it but for the briefest of moments throughout my adult life. I may have known it better as a child but it left me as soon as the hair grew in. Christianity promised me this elusive nature and all I would have to do was surrender to Jesus. I did so several times and each time I was left more wanting than the time before. I wasn't sure if my mistake was expecting Him to answer or taking it personally when He didn't. All I know is that the sense of God I was looking for never came from a book or an idea. No matter how I tried, no matter the changes made deep within me, I was left alone. Surely God must realize the damage such abandonment can do. I often asked myself if He ever gets involved in our petty drama-filled lives to begin with. Maybe it wasn't that He wasn't listening, perhaps He just can't get involved. Maybe He doesn't want to get involved. Any sense of spirit, any energy we interact with, is merely a projection from inside ourselves. Maybe we just make it up as we go along and don't even realize just who we are fooling. All I know is what I know. Either God hates me (for whatever reason) or He just couldn't help me. The truth may lie in that reality.
Who knows if God hears our cries. Who knows if He interacts with us, assists us with our living. I have never met a single person who maintained a lasting peace because they knew God and had a relationship with Him. I have known people who found ecstasy in the presence of the Holy Spirit or found rapture praying at the Wailing Wall. I have never seen a lasting degree. These states perish, often quickly, and are replaced by a different day but the very same shit. It can appear that God really only does us any good when we are mentally in tune with whatever force claims to protect us. It seems like it is all in our heads. We create these divine relationships out of necessity, fantasy and desperation. Most people only turn to a God when they need something, like money or a bigger dick. There are many people who would make the claim that God is with them, that He moves inside them and has set them free. Once they get home and close the curtains, they have as much doubt, as much pain, as any heathen would. Of course, because they have said all the right words, the Master of the entire universe comes down to make them feel happy and blessed and forgiven. Until it fades away again. We can convince ourselves that anything is true. We do it every day.
“A mind not to be changed by place or time.
The mind is its own place, and in itself
Can make a heav'n of Hell, a hell of heav'n.”
(Paradise Lost, John Milton 1867)
This has not been a wonderful life. Granted, there are numerous happy and engaging experiences I have had. I have known happiness often, but briefly. I have fond memories of great love and my heart is often filled with much compassion. I have much empathy for people who suffer and people who don't. I am in tune with agape love and the responsibility it brings. My sympathy goes out to the afflicted and those who needlessly suffer. I myself have known so much turmoil. I have known so much pain. Sometimes this life was not worth living. I failed at my attempt to make it better for me, at least in my own mind at the time. All these years that I stood knocking at heaven's door have shown me, there is no door. Despite my religious conditioning, despite my spiritual experiences, I have to come to the realization that I have survived this path all on my own. No one helped me make it through besides me. I did it. There were many times when I leaned on God to awaken my soul but I've simply been left quite bitter and so very much alone. That's the trap when following a god. It's all good and well until the silence rings through. When you are instructed to turn to God and He just isn't there, it's not Him we blame. We punish ourselves for not being good enough. If "they" get the spirit, if "they" are granted peace, then what the hell am I doing wrong.?
It all just seems like some wonderful, lovely lie. We find ourselves in an otherland so full of promise but that doesn't make it real. God bestowing Joy onto one person but not every person rings of something other than fair and all-loving. Seems a little human if you ask me. If there is a God, I mean God not "the source", then would an omniscient and omnipotent being favour one mortal over another? Would It grant benefits to one believer but not unto someone seeking? If we are to believe the status quo, that God is with us, then He is with all of us. The degree to which He manifests is unique and singular. God is different for everyone. Each person's experience shapes and moulds the very fabric of their calculated deity. It is a projection rather than an observation. It is an extension of how a person feels about themselves. Any sense of happiness we find was part of us all along. Does that mean we don't need a god to discover it?
“Me miserable! Which way shall I fly
Infinite wrath and infinite despair?
Which way I fly is hell; myself am hell;
And in the lowest deep a lower deep,
Still threat'ning to devour me, opens wide,
To which the hell I suffer seems a heaven.”
(Paradise Lost, John Milton 1867)
Photo
The Shepherd’s Dream, from ‘Paradise Lost’
Henry Fuseli 1793
http://www.tate.org.uk/art/artworks/fuseli-the-shepherds-dream-from-paradise-lost-t00876
