One of the problems I have, and one of the reasons I have needed this journal so Badly, is my propensity to Worry. I even have a little index card stuck to the top of my monitor that reads:

Just so I remember. Today, I feel wracked with fear. Fear of upsetting the apple cart with my marriage. Even though I have talked much of this over with Mr. Passion, I know that I am treading in dangerous territory here.

The strongest fear, though, is that I will get very hurt in all this. It's happened before, at least twice now since my marriage...I have fallen for someone and lost them, and it really hurts, even though I didn't even expect anything in return in those cases.

I don't know if it's that each time is scarier, or if it's just this situation that is so much different, but this fear of what's going to happen is tearing me up. I wish I had someone wise to confide in, but I am afraid anyone I talk to one on one about this will not understand, and I will be met with judgement.

The fact is, while I can see many possibilities of this relationship that won't tear my life up...all of them still end with me getting my heart broken and having to wean it back to health once again. I guess I haven't decided if it's worth it or not...doesn't every relationship end in heartbreak eventually, even 'till death do us part'?

Yes, there is a part of me (probably the majority, or I never would have opened myself up to this relationship in the beginning) that believes that love conquers all and that it's the most important thing there is, and that any pain resulting is a healthy, natural by-product of such an emotional thing. But, that doesn't stop me from being very, very afraid of this ending badly, even at this stage, where it is only beginning.