So I decided to attend Pridefest this year in Philly. I texted a "new" gay friend of mine (who was formerly married) to meet and partake of all things gay and happy.

While I was waiting, I did watch the parade. Funny thing is, I didn't find anyone ( male ) that attractive. It was filled with a lot of fetish looking characters (Drag Queens, Leather out-of-shape bears, twinks - and more skinny twinks, and lots of flamboyant men). Now everyone has their taste..but it started to make me wonder what the hek I was doing there if nobody was remotely interesting to me.

I'll admit, i'm the muscled jock looking type with the close cut beard that does make passers by take a second look..but where were more of...me .. around? Oh yes this is sounding all too narcissistic, but that fact that men are much more adoring of me compared to women is a very important factor of why I keep coming back for more. Women want me to do all the work adoring them and I guess I just like it the other way. I'm not the most amazing looking man, but my looks and body have always been above average - as opposed to my social skills and confidence which have not.

The best of women demand that you shower THEM with adoration and display confidence in every way...and that took me a lifetime to find out. Changing my approach plus my way of interacting is a lot of work after 25 years.

I'll admit it...i like to be adored way more than I like to show off. And since I was the recipient of adoration from men for so long, it' so hard to change. I used to feel that women just did not like me sexually - even though I knew I looked good to them. After just a few minutes, I could see her attention shifting from excitement over my looks to ... disinterest because of my presentation and my approach was again dead. But with men..all I had to do was show up..stand there and hold court. They would tell me how hot I was, how great my body was etc etc...all comments about my physical features. After a while I would just walk in like the cock on the walk, because the drill was always the same.

Men,overall, like someone sexually for his or her body and sexuality. Women, do like looks, but put much more emphasis on the personality and presentation from the object of desire.

I have taken the time to learn the tricks of the trade now and I know what women want. Portraying confidence is taking practice since it is not my normal behavior. And for all those who say..be yourself..I say fuck off. Being myself and not having the tools or skills to interact with confidence landed me with no dates, no action and unhappiness overall in personal and intimate encounters ( with women). I took the time to learn what girls expect overall and I am practicing my new skills... just like I would do my homework if I was taking any other course ( like bookeeping or photography). These skills take more "balls" to execute and I must face fears that I have had for a lifetime, but it has all been worth it.

I now see the world, my new friends and my social interactions in a whole new light. I no longer associate with others, as I did before, unaware of many flaws in my behavior that impeded further positive interactions. I see, I listen, I know what is expected and I am now navigating through converations like never before, with amazingly positive results.

Oh, and back to the bi thing and the parade.

So he finally showed up, and we went off to the festivities. He is the type of man that I do like. Formerly married, not a hint of feminine mannerisms and successful, and of course, somewhat adoring of me. As the day turned to night, and we shared more time together, sharing some intimate moments, something just seemed wrong about the whole thing.

Is it him, is it men? is it the whole gay thing that day? I don't know. But the more I try to force myself back to gay, the more it just does not seem right for me. Everyone knows I'm bi so I have the opportunity to freely be with men, but something always feels wrong. The best way I can describe my feelings is like this: Sometimes you see a dessert and it just looks so scrumptious. Your mouth waters over it, it does look so good, and you just have to dig in. But when you do, and get half way through, you realize that is is not what you were expecting and you stop. That's how I feel about men right now. Nice to look at and touch. Love to see them erotically and hang out naked, but full relationships and sexual encounters seems quite weird actually and feels out of synch.

So, as you can imagine, I'm now going to look more towards the ladies. Maybe I'll find a nice adoring cutie that likes rough sex..or if not, at least I know that it's my job to impress her and wow her into adoring my character and my soul.

Be good, be safe