Pushing our edges…

We all have things in our lives that scare us, places that terrify us despite it maybe not making sense to other people. Diving outside our comfort zone into these places is how we grow as human beings. We cannot expect to keep doing the same thing day in, day out and expect to create change in our lives.  Our edges are things that other people may do every day and not think twice about it however to us they are terrifying. They can exist for reasons known and unknown to us and ultimately hold us back in certain areas of our lives. I had a recent experience of pushing my edges and it gave me an amazing insight into the importance of crossing through those scary places to get to the other side.

My edge was dancing seductively & being witnessed by my partner. It felt bizarre considering all that he’s seen in me before but there was something so terrifying to be in a room alone and to move my body with him watching. I am used to seducing & turning him on in a myriad of ways but dancing has never been one of them. I knew there was a part of me that needed to explore why this was so terrifying so being a (somewhat) courageous explorer of my internal reality, I went in.

This memory coming back made me realise how much of my sexual innocence had been shamed and how after that moment I never gave myself permission to confidently explore my Sexuality as that innocent young women. When it came to my sexuality, I grew up fast with a huge part of me left behind. Being a 10 year old girl, it was also a time when I didn’t have the wisdom or capacity to care for myself. On top of this, I didn’t have any way of communicating to anyone else how bad it made me feel so I carried the shame of it for years.

As I lay under the blanket feeling a truckload of shitty emotions hitting me, my partner allowed me to be in my process, letting me know that he was there if I needed anything. I went through a deep feeling of grief when I realised that since this moment when I felt shamed for acting “sexy”, I had carried so much guilt when it came to my sexuality. I never allowed myself to try new things in that sweet & innocent way because of fear of being shamed again. It was sad to become aware of the heaviness I had been carrying for over 15 years but also a relief to know I didn’t need to do this anymore.

Up until this point, I had felt a divide between two parts of myself-the little girl who was still stuck in that experience of shame and my adult self who had the capacity & love to hold the little girl inside. I began to hear the words in my mind from my adult self, saying “I’ve got you” to my inner child. I began to cry tears of profound joy as I realised that I am free to explore my sexuality in whatever way I desire because I have that part in me that says “I’ve got you”. I felt such a deep amount of love & support for myself & all that I am.

After this process which felt like an enormous rollercoaster, I couldn’t wait to move my body to sexy music whilst my man looked on. Knowing that I am safe & supported by me makes me feel like I can do anything. Confronting such a scary place made me feel so incredible as a result!

Inner work like this is messy and painful at times. It takes a willingness to go to these places and an even great level of courage to be witnessed in it by someone you love. But my god the results are so worth it. Where in your life are you feeling resistance? What places in yourself are you avoiding? How can you go to them with an open heart knowing that gold awaits you on the other side?

About the Author:  Stephanie Curtis – Adultsmart Community Lifestyle Blog Expert!