Today I realised that I missed Mental Health Awareness Day. As I sit outside having a cup of coffee I can hear babies crying. Despite the fact that my little’uns are at least four years away from being babies I’m instantly on red alert. The sound is soul-jarring and affects my whole being. I’m struck with a mixture of helplessness (*we’ll get there in a minute) and thankfulness that it’s no longer me.
Mental Health:to the mum with the crying babies
My next door neighbour has twins and my heart reaches out to her as I hear her babies cry. I’ve been where she is. I have twins too. Five years ago I had three babies under the age of two and it was the darkest and hardest time in my life.
The hardest days of my life
I joke to people that I can’t remember the first two years of the twins’ life, but it’s not a joke. It’s the truth. I use humour because to try and describe those first two years is impossible. I remember snippets, of course, but few are happy ones. I remember not sleeping for 6 months as the babies took 3 hours to feed and had to be fed every 4 hours. I remember not being able to leave the house because I couldn’t find a triplet pushchair in South Africa and there was no way to transport my children. I remember the fear (which led to a panic attack) the first time I was left alone with all 3. I remember trying to take sick children to the hospital. I had to carry two car seats and a toddler across a busy road by myself and I was terrified that I would drop one in front of a car. I remember tears, so many tears from all four of us. And I remember the overwhelming feeling of helplessness.
Overwhelming helplessness
I don’t have many memories but I have feelings associated with that time and without a doubt feeling helpless was a constant friend that never left. Every day I’d think ‘ I can’t do this – I just can’t go on’. I couldn’t see how I could continue; with the lack of sleep, with the constant crying, with the loneliness and isolation. With the nagging doubt that my life was over and I’d never regain any semblance of normality.
There is a light at the end of the tunnel
5 years later and my life is a bowl of cherries in comparison. Yes, it’s hard raising three kids. Yes, there are days they drive me nuts. Yes, the tantrums are still ongoing. But nowadays for every bad 5 minutes, there’s a good one. For every slammed door there is a hug and for every bad time, there are a million fantastic moments.
I no longer think I made the mistake of my life by having 3 children so close together. I think my children made me. My children are my light and my life and I’d never give them up for anything. But if you asked me to go back to when they were babies I am not sure I could.
The sadness behind the smiles
My situation may have been tough but I am by no means alone. Motherhood doesn’t come easily to us all and every child is unique. My eldest never cried my twins never stopped crying. What works for one parent or child, never works for another. Mothers like me suffer in silence because we don’t want to be judged on our failings as a parent. Smiles are easy to paint on but misery is also easy to ignore. I’m not sure that anyone would have thought I was coping particularly well during those dark years. When I read my Facebook posts back I barely recognise the person I was, I sounded suicidal. But very few people reached out to help. There were times I wondered if our whole family would make it out the early years alive. This isn’t’ an exaggeration it’s a painful truth.
Mental Health Day – be a good friend
I’m a bit late with Mental Health Day but if you read this and it touches a nerve then I’d like to ask you to check up on your friends with young kids. Offers of coffee and drinks are always good but so is offering to babysit or clean the house. If necessary take her to the doctors or at least let her share how she feels with no fear of judgement or repercussions.
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