Parents all over are smiling big, or crying big as the case may be  – I’ve known your pain sweet kindergarten moms –  as you send or prepare to send your offspring off for a new year of education. I’m right there with you; this morning I stood in the kitchen and prayed with my high School sophomore before he left for his first day of school today.

We’ve done this since he was a freshman.

Every morning, he puts his backpack down, I put my arms around him and lay my head on his 6’1″ chest because his 5’4″ mom is just now a lot shorter, y’all.

I pray for his day and then he prays for his day.

This time is precious and I don’t take it for granted. I always seem to picture in the back of my mind at that moment that the last day I will do this with him will be on his wedding day. MANY, MANY YEARS FROM NOW.

It’s not always so sweet, though.

Sometimes he’s running late and running out the door, rolling his eyes at me as  I’m yelling out a 2-3 sentence prayer like a little Greek orthodox grandma, waving my hands towards him just in case the blessing needs a little push to reach him before the door shuts.

One day at a time, friends, it’s one day at a time.

Good Parents Start With Prayer

When he was in middle school, or junior high for those of you who call it that, I drove him to school every morning and I’d pray with him in the car. I kept my eyes open, he’d close his. Whatever had happened in the minutes before, whether we were laughing at something on the radio or me doing one too many mom checks (“did you remember that permission slip? did you get your paper that was on the counter? Did you REALLY brush your teeth?”) and getting the eye roll and huff and puff – that prayer brought us together and always focused us on what and Who really mattered so that by the time my hormonal middle schooler – yes, mamas of girls, boys can be just as bad! Whew! – got out of the car, we could look at each other and still know we loved each other.

Most days.

If you’re needing some scripture encouragement in how to pray for your kids this year, here’s a post I wrote a few years ago with a list of 10 scripture-based prayers that will help with that. 

One day at a time, right?

Good Parents Use Powerful Words

When he was in elementary school, I did what I call a prayer of blessing for him each day. I started it when he started kindergarten, and he let me do it with him until the second semester of 7th grade, which was about a year and a half longer than I thought he would.

Every morning, as our car turned the corner of the street the school was on, I’d take my fist and give him a little pound on his, and I’d say this:

Listen to your teacher
Be kind to your friends
Do your very best
And remember
God loves you 
And so do I. 

Sometimes he’d say it with me.

Sometimes he’d just smile.

Sometimes he’d remind me when I was preoccupied and almost forgot.

One day at a time, mom.

Good Parents Evaluate Themselves

Yesterday, I moved work to the backburner and spent the last day of summer with my son.

He drove me around as we ran some errands. Yes, HE drove. Learner’s permit is in hand, and the driver’s license will be coming next spring.

We had some good conversations. And I asked him something I realized I hadn’t asked him in a while.

What am I doing that you wish I wouldn’t? 

That’s a scary question to ask as a parent, right?

It makes us feel vulnerable. It gives our kids the opportunity to bring to light weaknesses we probably already know are there.

Then add two more questions to the first:

What am I not doing that you wish I would?
What can I do this year that will help you the most? 

I started doing this when Caleb was in 4th grade and while I haven’t been consistent in doing it every year, I have tried to do it in some form or fashion at some point during the course of each school year, because there are some Report cards that need to be evaluated that aren’t going to be sent home for a signature… but they’re probably even more important.

If you asked your child to grade you on how you’re parenting, what would they say?

Would you get an A? A C-?

Gulp.

Hopefully, your child wouldn’t give you an F.

But if they did, you have the same opportunity you do if they gave you higher marks.

You get to ask why.

Why did you give me that grade? What could I do to get a better grade? Then you have the opportunity to talk about it with your child and address those things.

Then take it one day at a time.

Evaluating Yourself Empowers Your Kids…

Now here’s the disclaimer and what some of you may already be saying because you know your child and you’re envisioning how this could go horribly wrong: this isn’t a literal evaluation that gives your child authority over your parenting.

NOPE. You’re still the parent.

This is an exercise to start a discussion.

This is not a moment to expect As from your kid and take it personal if they don’t give it to you.

You’re still the parent, remember?

If they give you an F and their reason is because last week you wouldn’t let them go over to someone’s house, that’s an opportunity to patiently and lovingly explain why you didn’t. Maybe they didn’t do their chores that you asked them to do and you’re teaching them that actions have consequences and obedience can result in rewards.

If they give you a B because they think you’re a great parent but they wish you spent more time with them, that’s an opportunity to ask what that looks like for them. It might not be what you think.

Frank Bealer is the Family Pastor at Elevation Church in Charlotte, NC, and did a recent interview on Carey Nieuwhof’s podcast about how he does all he does as a high capacity leader and one thing he talked about that I loved (and there were many great points, it’s a fantastic interview I highly recommend listening to), was how he makes sure he’s there for his kids: he ASKS what’s important to them.

His daughter, for example, recently had several dance recitals and competitions she was participating in and Frank knew he wasn’t going to be able to make all of them. He asked her which ones she really wanted her dad to attend, thinking it would probably be the bigger ones with larger audiences. It wasn’t. She told him nothing would make her happier than if he could come to the competition she had never done before, that wouldn’t have very many people, and was on a much smaller scale than other competitions she was doing – but it would mean everything to her for her dad to be there at that specific one.

Take the Parents Grading Challenge

Yesterday, my son told me the things I was doing right and the things he wishes I would do better.

He feels he can always talk to me when he has a problem.

He feels like I care about him and I want what’s best for him, even when I do things he doesn’t like – like making him finish his summer assignments instead of goofing off like he’d prefer.

He wishes I would put the phone down when he talks to me. That I’ve missed a joke he’s told or the punch line of a video he’s showing me because my attention wasn’t completely directed toward him but the email or text message I was reading on my phone.

OUCH. 

This is one he’s told me before, and clearly, I need to keep working on that.

He wants me to keep checking in on him this year and ask how things are going because sometimes he won’t always voluntarily tell me.

His words.

That’s a huge statement for me as his mom, and one I need to remember and follow through with.

See, the discussion is just the start of your report card. It’s what you do with that information that will make you the A+ parent you want to be, and the parent your child needs this year.

So let me encourage you, whether you’re already beginning the new school year with your kids, or you’re in the crazy countdown of buying clothes or uniforms and supplies and gearing up.

Find, carve out, set aside, make time for some quiet one on one with your child.

Ask them how you’re doing as their parent.

Be open to their responses and don’t take anything they say personally.

Treat it as a learning time for yourself.

Apply it, knowing that you are fostering some incredible growth for your relationship with your child.

And if you don’t get an A this year?

Take some steps to get an A next year. Or next semester.

Choose one thing you can work on that you and your child have talked about.

Make an effort.

Be intentional.

And take it one day at a time.

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