I decided to write an open apology to the Lord. Throughout this salvation journey I have truly learned a lot about myself. The journey I find my self in at this present moment is truly self-evaluation. It could be easy to stand in a crowd to point the blame at everyone else, but I couldn’t. Those that surrounded me could not be blamed!
Everywhere I turned stood a mirror that only reflected me. It was as if I was in a maze and was searching for the finish line. Even in this salvation journey I kept hitting dead ends. You would think I would get the hint! I see all of these mirrors staring and reflecting back at me but still I continue to play the blame game. You know the game where you point the finger at everyone else but yourself. Every time my finger went out I crashed into, yet another mirror. Every cut I received oozed issues and pain I still held on to. Through the pain of the cuts I still didn’t recognize the blood that God wanted me to see. It was not just the blood that He needed me to see but the issues that flowed from the blood. Blinded by pain I was unable to recognize the issues that I still transmitted.
I wonder sometimes does God throw his hands in the air with dismay. My expectation of this faith walk wasn’t unrealistic, while I have heard people say, “it doesn’t take all of that”. For me and my walk it did, and I still feel I fall short at times. I sit at Gods feet like a child sitting at their father's feet. I wanted to sit at God's feet and wanted to please the Man who gifted me with way more than anybody has ever, LIFE!
See, the way I look at it is I could never do enough to repay the Man who laid down his life for me. For this is way more than religion but it has become a Relationship with God. And even in this beautiful union we have entered together I have still dropped the ball. This union is a lot like a marriage, if you have ever been married you might can relate. And if you haven’t think of it like your last serious relationship where one still held on to the ropes of the relationship. Pulling and dragging someone tried to carry the relationship, and on the other end of the ropes there stood a person who let the ropes fall. The ropes fell to the waistside and the person was so oblivious to what they were doing to the person who was still pulling and fighting. There still stood someone that pulled the ropes with sweat beating from there head, with the the unrealistic amount of love for they have for you they still clamped on to the ropes.
So here it is, here is my open apology to God. The apology where I hold nothing back regardless of what you the reader think, or evn what I think. I now release any bondage that has kept me stagnated!
Dear God,
Where do I begin, or do I even begin? While in your Presence God I feel the need to hide. Just like Adam and Eve I search for the fig trees to hide me. And in the coolness of the day I hear you ask for me. I hear you ask where are you? I stand behind the tree and my heart races and I seam to not be able to breathe. For I know you know where I am, but still you ask and still I hide! I wonder at times why do you find me so valuable that you would search for me, and why do I find you so replaceable that I would hide from you? I want to come out and say, "here I am God!" But I don’t even know where I am. I haven’t been hiding but I haven’t been searching for you and then I found myself standing behind a tree. Some way the wind has picked me up from my own feet and in my whirld wind of life I find myself standing here. I’m not hiding because I have committed a sin, I am hiding because I have not been in your presence. And because I have not been in your presence now I don’t know how to act while in your presence. For I stand in what looks like your presence but I do not dwell here. I am guilty of not pursuing you. I am guilty of pointing the finger at everything else but me! But still you called my name! Even when I found life and was too busy to fellowship with you, you still called my name.
While in church recently your presence fell so hard that I weeped. I was like Adam and Eve I came from my hiding place and I clothed myself with the fig trees that I used to camouflage myself with. The purity and authenticity of our relationship had now been tampered. And you demanded answers! I had no answers for you, all I had was my tears. I felt as if I had abandoned you even though you held your hand out to hold mine. I left you standing there holding on to our union while I took for granted your hand. I was deeply in denial of my spiritual growth. I have changed my outward appearances and I speak in my heavenly language but still I stopped seeking you!
While in your presence I felt your love, I hope you heard my cries. For I have abandoned our marriage. You fought for our relationship while I didn’t. You stood for us when I sat.
So I decided to write an open apology! To say I am sorry God. I am sorry for taking you, and your hand for granted! I am sorry for quickly forgetting what it felt to drown. Thank you for continuing to call my name and allow me to self reflect on me during this journey!
Thank you for saving me.
Love,
The Woman you decided to die for
This post first appeared on While Going Through The Transformation, please read the originial post: here
