I have to admit I have been contemplating on what my next subject will be, or what topic shall we discuss. These moments where I take my pen and pencil out, or even my phone, allow me to get lost. Not sure how this happens, but my mind runs wild and I enjoy the ride. I enjoy the moments where I am free. It is as if I am not the writer, but I’m enjoying the writing.

I wish I could say that this has been an easy ride! It hasn't. I have been tested over and over and I have even failed. Since I have been in and out of churches and relationship with God before, I just knew that I could fall sometimes and those falls won't affect me. I wasn't ready to be stretched! I was ok to just saying “yes” to His Will. Why would my mistakes affect me now? I had fallen before and literally stayed down never attempting to rise again.

I saw myself changing and this time I didn't lift a finger to assist. The things I enjoyed doing became unappealing to me. My words began to change and my actions started changing too. It was as if I was a caterpillar transforming into a butterfly. Instead I had no cocoon to hide in. My transformation was visible, so when the mistakes happened, those were too. My husband saw the change, but I wasn't aware on how closely he was watching. My actions then became measured by the fruit that I was proclaiming to bare. I am saying that I am transformed, so my actions should show the transformation. I was doing well, I was isolated away from temptation. I wasn't physically in a cocoon but I was so isolated that it was as if I was. Friends were calling, but I wasn't participating. From time to time someone would ask what the change was about, and I would disclose the journey I was on. I still wanted to be cool though. I still hadn't come to grasp what this journey entailed.

I began to question why can't I hang with them. Who am I to say I am better, when all God was trying to do was process me. He wanted to make sure that I was healed. I was trying to rush His process.

When temptation is not present, it's easy to ride the high horse to victory. But what happens when the real test comes? Oh, don't worry. The real test came. And I failed publicly. The next day I stayed in bed all day! My husband thought it was a horrible hangover, but what really kept me chained to the bed was the fact I failed. I didn't just fail in the comfort of my home, but I failed in front of people.

I was disappointed and I knew my husband was too. I am sure my friends didn't mind, because I was back! But I sat there that Saturday and waddled in my misery. “Why could I and why did I” questions kept flooding my brain. I even attempted to point the finger at my husband, “How could you allow me!?”

My mentor called me all day that Saturday. I kept declining her calls. I was embarrassed. Even if she wasn't present, it felt as if the entire world knew. My actions weighed heavy on me. I wasn't use to that. I never knew what conviction felt like until that day. While the kids and family were in the living room, God came and sat right on my bed. I cried as if He was my natural father and I was begging for forgiveness. I felt him as he wiped my tears and consoled me. Just as my natural father would do. I heard him when He said, “Now get up.” I remember I had so many excuses as to why I couldn't and why I didn't want to. But what I kept hearing Him say was, “Get up.” All I wanted was to sit there as a failure. I wanted to end what I have started like I had done time after time, and God wouldn't allow me. He stayed heavy on me that day. That day I repented and I decided to get up and move on. I didn't allow that mistake to alter me from breathing again. I didn't care who saw me fail or who was watching. I moved on and God continued his process.