Dear Addie,
I am woman in my mid-40s who is stuck in life. I hide from people and relationships. I am not shy in the least and I'm attractive, very smart, witty, etc. You'd never know to look at me that I have serious issues. I have gone into counseling many times, but I don't stay with it. The problem is that I have a personality disorder, with low self-esteem. Each of these sabatoge the other when I try to change. For instance, when I am shown aspects of my personality disorder it is too much for me to handle, because I have such low self esteem, it's practically devastating. it is very painful and I can't handle it. This makes me run from therapy. Likewise, when I am shown aspects of my low self esteem, I find ways of denying it or justifying it with my personality disorder.
The other reason I hide is because my life has been totally stress-filled up until about five years ago. The things I have been through would wear out any human being. I won't go into it here, but I from my childhood I have post traumatic stress disorder. As an adult now I have very little tolerance for stress and I find my self easily frustrated, I have physical problems relating to sleeping, and other issues like thyroid problems such that PTSD patients encounter. I find that what works for me is to keep a low profile, i.e., not get involved with people. I am at peace because when I have relationships, even friendships, there is always the inevitable conflict that I generate somehow. That's why I hide.
Most therapists, on the first appointment want to help me, the find me likeable, then we go through my family history the same thing always happens...they get this clouded look and start to talk to me differently. I feel like a loser a lot, even though I'm not.
My past includes growing up with a drunken father, an emotionally stunted mother, becoming alcoholic and recovering, losing my best friend/brother to an alcoholic death, having a baby at 21, being on welfare with not enough money to live on, going through treatment and AA, going to a trade school and getting an AA degree....raising my daughter with no money, no car until her father was murdered when she was 13 when I was able to get social security and supplement my secretarial income, having a daughter who had special needs, marrying a man from my hometown who was alcoholic, he gave me Herpes, divorcing him, etc, etc, you get the picture. My self esteem is higher then it ever was, but it was at the beginning, crippling...now it's just manageable.
Now my daugther is married and I have my own life which I love. Am I wrong to hide out? Who wants a woman with herpes, personality disorder and post traumatic stress? I dress very nicely, get my hair colored, wear make up well, am very extroverted in personality. I do these things for myself because I love fashion and girly-girl stuff. When the truth hits the fan, though, I really would rather be home with my little dog.
What do you think? -Hiding
Dear Hiding:
You don't make it clear that you want someone or you want to stay alone. You say you are "at peace" yet I am not completely convinced.
Perhaps this is one of the main reasons why people stay away. Healthy people are not drawn to people who don't know what they want. Only other people who don't know what they want are attracted to that type or people with deep problems such as those you've attracted in the past. You sound like you've overcome a lot of things and done quite well for yourself despite the setbacks. You need to give yourself credit for that.
If you don't want to deal with the downside of your "presentation," (the personality disorder and physical difficulties), no one else is going to want to deal with it either. You can get long-term treatment for both but warn potential suitors that there can be an outbreak and you have to guard against it. You have to believe that you are a "catch" even with these issues. It certainly sounds like you are.
If you have a "true" personality disorder (Axis 2 on the DSM-IV diagnosis), you do need to be in counseling. If you are "seeing" a counselor "cloud over" when you talk about your past, I believe that is your own projection of the situtation. Most good counselors are used to dealing with people who have much more complicated issues than you've described, and most won't "cloud over" once you get into a full blown description of your past and your problems. We are used to hearing a lot of really horrific stuff.
You are most likely projecting the counselor's reaction onto that counselor and using it as an excuse to drop out. Stop doing that. Find a good counselor and make the commitment to stay the course. Then, and only then, can you deal with all these other issues.
The primary issue seems to be, "What do you want?" It is not clear to me that you really know. You need to work that out and work out what you need to do to get there. If what TRULY works for you is being alone, then you won't be in a quandry about it. You would just embrace it. But something tells me you're not truly happy there.
Find out what you really want and go do it and be it! Best of luck!
I am woman in my mid-40s who is stuck in life. I hide from people and relationships. I am not shy in the least and I'm attractive, very smart, witty, etc. You'd never know to look at me that I have serious issues. I have gone into counseling many times, but I don't stay with it. The problem is that I have a personality disorder, with low self-esteem. Each of these sabatoge the other when I try to change. For instance, when I am shown aspects of my personality disorder it is too much for me to handle, because I have such low self esteem, it's practically devastating. it is very painful and I can't handle it. This makes me run from therapy. Likewise, when I am shown aspects of my low self esteem, I find ways of denying it or justifying it with my personality disorder.
The other reason I hide is because my life has been totally stress-filled up until about five years ago. The things I have been through would wear out any human being. I won't go into it here, but I from my childhood I have post traumatic stress disorder. As an adult now I have very little tolerance for stress and I find my self easily frustrated, I have physical problems relating to sleeping, and other issues like thyroid problems such that PTSD patients encounter. I find that what works for me is to keep a low profile, i.e., not get involved with people. I am at peace because when I have relationships, even friendships, there is always the inevitable conflict that I generate somehow. That's why I hide.
Most therapists, on the first appointment want to help me, the find me likeable, then we go through my family history the same thing always happens...they get this clouded look and start to talk to me differently. I feel like a loser a lot, even though I'm not.
My past includes growing up with a drunken father, an emotionally stunted mother, becoming alcoholic and recovering, losing my best friend/brother to an alcoholic death, having a baby at 21, being on welfare with not enough money to live on, going through treatment and AA, going to a trade school and getting an AA degree....raising my daughter with no money, no car until her father was murdered when she was 13 when I was able to get social security and supplement my secretarial income, having a daughter who had special needs, marrying a man from my hometown who was alcoholic, he gave me Herpes, divorcing him, etc, etc, you get the picture. My self esteem is higher then it ever was, but it was at the beginning, crippling...now it's just manageable.
Now my daugther is married and I have my own life which I love. Am I wrong to hide out? Who wants a woman with herpes, personality disorder and post traumatic stress? I dress very nicely, get my hair colored, wear make up well, am very extroverted in personality. I do these things for myself because I love fashion and girly-girl stuff. When the truth hits the fan, though, I really would rather be home with my little dog.
What do you think? -Hiding
Dear Hiding:
You don't make it clear that you want someone or you want to stay alone. You say you are "at peace" yet I am not completely convinced.
Perhaps this is one of the main reasons why people stay away. Healthy people are not drawn to people who don't know what they want. Only other people who don't know what they want are attracted to that type or people with deep problems such as those you've attracted in the past. You sound like you've overcome a lot of things and done quite well for yourself despite the setbacks. You need to give yourself credit for that.
If you don't want to deal with the downside of your "presentation," (the personality disorder and physical difficulties), no one else is going to want to deal with it either. You can get long-term treatment for both but warn potential suitors that there can be an outbreak and you have to guard against it. You have to believe that you are a "catch" even with these issues. It certainly sounds like you are.
If you have a "true" personality disorder (Axis 2 on the DSM-IV diagnosis), you do need to be in counseling. If you are "seeing" a counselor "cloud over" when you talk about your past, I believe that is your own projection of the situtation. Most good counselors are used to dealing with people who have much more complicated issues than you've described, and most won't "cloud over" once you get into a full blown description of your past and your problems. We are used to hearing a lot of really horrific stuff.
You are most likely projecting the counselor's reaction onto that counselor and using it as an excuse to drop out. Stop doing that. Find a good counselor and make the commitment to stay the course. Then, and only then, can you deal with all these other issues.
The primary issue seems to be, "What do you want?" It is not clear to me that you really know. You need to work that out and work out what you need to do to get there. If what TRULY works for you is being alone, then you won't be in a quandry about it. You would just embrace it. But something tells me you're not truly happy there.
Find out what you really want and go do it and be it! Best of luck!
