Dear Addie,
I've read your site and a few of the postings, and I really liked what I saw. I'm not sure if I can give you a defined problem as the problems in my life seem to be pretty massive in nature.
Even saying that, I feel guilty because it could be a lot worse. I'm starting my junior year of college in the fall. I've always been a deep-thinking, analytical, self-critical person- there's almost nothing left for anyone else to criticize, because I do my work for them. I'm honest with everyone I meet, and it seems that my honesty and trust backfires time and time again. I'm constantly telling people my problems- it's become utterly natural, people expect my "stories" and they (usually) find them funny, so I've never been able to stop doing that. This summer I guess I've been going through a lot of changes, because for the first time I'm expected to really contribute to my college funds, which is something I should have been doing a lot sooner- my parents are working class people. We really aren't well off.
I am trying my hardest to contribute, working as much as I can, paying the bills, and my dad always tells me everything's fine, but I continue to feel bad. Part of this is because I'm the first in my family to go to college, and no matter what I would never stop going, and I'm determined to finish with a degree from my school, nothing less. My parents are very supportive and loving and I am incredibly close with them, they don't want me to stress over this because they have already said they would pay for college. But I still feel very depressed and stressed and angry! I'm so quick to argue, to shirk responsibility, and even though I feel that I fit in with my peers in college, I feel I will never succeed compared to them, because they are so put-together and independent; but ! I feel out of place with the people "back home" who haven't gone on to more schooling.
People tell me this is all in my head, that I'm creating problems that don't exist, that I'm overthinking things and analyzing too much, that I should stop feeling sorry for myself. I *am* trying actively to fix the problems, but I still feel like I will never completely succeed. I feel like things are so much easier for everyone else, or they make it *look* easy. I don't know how anyone could learn a skill like that.
It's not like I'm constantly depressed either- in fact when I'm with my friends I have a way of making light of my "struggles" and I turn them into humorous exploits. However, it's harder for me to hide the real feelings around my family, or my roommates at school, who obviously spend the most time with me.
I would love to think this is a problem that could be treated with medication, but I was prescribed antidepressants for two years and they didn't do much. (I've talked to several therapists, and seen a couple regularly for long periods of time, but I find that I express my emotions a lot better in writing.) So I really think this is a problem that I have to work through on my own- although I don't know where to start.
Any advice would be extremely appreciated- I think your service is a great thing.
-Worried Sick
Dear Worried,
First of all, I commend you for being the first in your family to go to College. That alone can be an enormous stressor. There are a couple of reasons for that: 1) you have no role model in your family as to how to do this. You're in unchartered territory--being the first at anything is a scary thing. There is a lot on your shoulders trying to figure out what this is all about, what this looks like and how to succeed. You have to figure all that out on your own. Anxiety producing!!! 2) You are worried about your parents finances. Perhaps you think you can do more to contribute or feel selfish and undeserving. That can produce anxiety as well.
The other issue is your comparisons to your peers. It sounds like you suffer from a bit of "imposter syndrome" or not feeling good enough to be where you are. Your friends come from educated or better off families. They are "elite" or finances are not a struggle for them. You are in their crowd. Somewhere deep down, you feel you don't Belong. You joke about your situation for three reasons: 1) to relieve your own stress about it. 2) to emphasize to them that you know you don't really belong but 3) by being the court jester or the clown they will allow you to stay.
You don't belong to your "old" crowd anymore either. You have moved on, gone to an elite college, have a future. Being a 'tweener is causing you anxiety as well. You don't belong where you are but you don't belong where you've been. Where do you belong? You might not ask that question out loud but part of you is asking this question.
Okay, so now what do you do?
1. Look realistically at your situation and see what you can do, if anything, to contribute more. See if there are things you could be doing to relieve some of the pressure on your parents or if there is some way you can step up to the plate more...take more classes, get better grades or contribute financially (or spend less money). You want to do something, even a small thing, that is constructive. Then you must give yourself credit for it and know you are helping as much as you can.
2. Self-talk. The most important thing. Tell yourself you deserve it. Tell yourself you belong there. Stop thinking about all the reasons you are not "worthy" or deserving. Give yourself some credit for where you are. It's a terrific accomplishment and you need to be okay with it.
3. Get comfortable with the discomfort. Sound strange? Well it is. For someone embarking on a new adventure or a new course in life that no one else that she knows has embarked on, there will be discomfort. You're in a strange land and charting uncharted territory. Give yourself a break but know that you're going to be a bit anxious about it. However, tell yourself you deserve to be there and that everything will work out just fine. It's an adventure! Enjoy it but know you might feel a bit scared from time to time and that the fear is NORMAL. As long as it doesn't control you, healthy fear is a good thing. Just acknowledge it and be okay with it. Celebrate the difference between you and others. No, you are not as privileged as your college friends and more ambitious than your hometown friends. You're not like one or the other. You are YOU and what you are doing is WONDERFUL. It might get lonely sometimes but what are your options? Stop trying? Fail? Reverse your life? Not options. So you are different. Viva la difference! CELEBRATE IT.
4. If you feel guilty about the pressure on your parents decide what you will do for them when you get out of college or grad school. Think of a special trip they'd like to take or something nice for their house. Start planning that and you will be relieved of some of your guilt.
5. Do count your blessings and understand you have a lot of gifts. There are many magnificent things in your life, not the least of which is your relationship with your parents and the terrific college you are attending and the friends you have.
6. Stop comparing your insides to others' outsides. You might think they look "together" but you don't know how they feel. Most college students are anxious and can have bouts of depression no matter where they come from. College is a wonderful time and a stressful time. People must look at you and think you have it all together. Don't compare yourself to anyone else. You cannot know if the other students walking across campus are full of angst or not. Chances are, they are but they're not exactly going to be shouting it as they change classes. Don't try to figure out what is or is not going on with them. A lot of people talk a good game but are a mess inside.
I've read your site and a few of the postings, and I really liked what I saw. I'm not sure if I can give you a defined problem as the problems in my life seem to be pretty massive in nature.
Even saying that, I feel guilty because it could be a lot worse. I'm starting my junior year of college in the fall. I've always been a deep-thinking, analytical, self-critical person- there's almost nothing left for anyone else to criticize, because I do my work for them. I'm honest with everyone I meet, and it seems that my honesty and trust backfires time and time again. I'm constantly telling people my problems- it's become utterly natural, people expect my "stories" and they (usually) find them funny, so I've never been able to stop doing that. This summer I guess I've been going through a lot of changes, because for the first time I'm expected to really contribute to my college funds, which is something I should have been doing a lot sooner- my parents are working class people. We really aren't well off.
I am trying my hardest to contribute, working as much as I can, paying the bills, and my dad always tells me everything's fine, but I continue to feel bad. Part of this is because I'm the first in my family to go to college, and no matter what I would never stop going, and I'm determined to finish with a degree from my school, nothing less. My parents are very supportive and loving and I am incredibly close with them, they don't want me to stress over this because they have already said they would pay for college. But I still feel very depressed and stressed and angry! I'm so quick to argue, to shirk responsibility, and even though I feel that I fit in with my peers in college, I feel I will never succeed compared to them, because they are so put-together and independent; but ! I feel out of place with the people "back home" who haven't gone on to more schooling.
People tell me this is all in my head, that I'm creating problems that don't exist, that I'm overthinking things and analyzing too much, that I should stop feeling sorry for myself. I *am* trying actively to fix the problems, but I still feel like I will never completely succeed. I feel like things are so much easier for everyone else, or they make it *look* easy. I don't know how anyone could learn a skill like that.
It's not like I'm constantly depressed either- in fact when I'm with my friends I have a way of making light of my "struggles" and I turn them into humorous exploits. However, it's harder for me to hide the real feelings around my family, or my roommates at school, who obviously spend the most time with me.
I would love to think this is a problem that could be treated with medication, but I was prescribed antidepressants for two years and they didn't do much. (I've talked to several therapists, and seen a couple regularly for long periods of time, but I find that I express my emotions a lot better in writing.) So I really think this is a problem that I have to work through on my own- although I don't know where to start.
Any advice would be extremely appreciated- I think your service is a great thing.
-Worried Sick
Dear Worried,
First of all, I commend you for being the first in your family to go to College. That alone can be an enormous stressor. There are a couple of reasons for that: 1) you have no role model in your family as to how to do this. You're in unchartered territory--being the first at anything is a scary thing. There is a lot on your shoulders trying to figure out what this is all about, what this looks like and how to succeed. You have to figure all that out on your own. Anxiety producing!!! 2) You are worried about your parents finances. Perhaps you think you can do more to contribute or feel selfish and undeserving. That can produce anxiety as well.
The other issue is your comparisons to your peers. It sounds like you suffer from a bit of "imposter syndrome" or not feeling good enough to be where you are. Your friends come from educated or better off families. They are "elite" or finances are not a struggle for them. You are in their crowd. Somewhere deep down, you feel you don't Belong. You joke about your situation for three reasons: 1) to relieve your own stress about it. 2) to emphasize to them that you know you don't really belong but 3) by being the court jester or the clown they will allow you to stay.
You don't belong to your "old" crowd anymore either. You have moved on, gone to an elite college, have a future. Being a 'tweener is causing you anxiety as well. You don't belong where you are but you don't belong where you've been. Where do you belong? You might not ask that question out loud but part of you is asking this question.
Okay, so now what do you do?
1. Look realistically at your situation and see what you can do, if anything, to contribute more. See if there are things you could be doing to relieve some of the pressure on your parents or if there is some way you can step up to the plate more...take more classes, get better grades or contribute financially (or spend less money). You want to do something, even a small thing, that is constructive. Then you must give yourself credit for it and know you are helping as much as you can.
2. Self-talk. The most important thing. Tell yourself you deserve it. Tell yourself you belong there. Stop thinking about all the reasons you are not "worthy" or deserving. Give yourself some credit for where you are. It's a terrific accomplishment and you need to be okay with it.
3. Get comfortable with the discomfort. Sound strange? Well it is. For someone embarking on a new adventure or a new course in life that no one else that she knows has embarked on, there will be discomfort. You're in a strange land and charting uncharted territory. Give yourself a break but know that you're going to be a bit anxious about it. However, tell yourself you deserve to be there and that everything will work out just fine. It's an adventure! Enjoy it but know you might feel a bit scared from time to time and that the fear is NORMAL. As long as it doesn't control you, healthy fear is a good thing. Just acknowledge it and be okay with it. Celebrate the difference between you and others. No, you are not as privileged as your college friends and more ambitious than your hometown friends. You're not like one or the other. You are YOU and what you are doing is WONDERFUL. It might get lonely sometimes but what are your options? Stop trying? Fail? Reverse your life? Not options. So you are different. Viva la difference! CELEBRATE IT.
4. If you feel guilty about the pressure on your parents decide what you will do for them when you get out of college or grad school. Think of a special trip they'd like to take or something nice for their house. Start planning that and you will be relieved of some of your guilt.
5. Do count your blessings and understand you have a lot of gifts. There are many magnificent things in your life, not the least of which is your relationship with your parents and the terrific college you are attending and the friends you have.
6. Stop comparing your insides to others' outsides. You might think they look "together" but you don't know how they feel. Most college students are anxious and can have bouts of depression no matter where they come from. College is a wonderful time and a stressful time. People must look at you and think you have it all together. Don't compare yourself to anyone else. You cannot know if the other students walking across campus are full of angst or not. Chances are, they are but they're not exactly going to be shouting it as they change classes. Don't try to figure out what is or is not going on with them. A lot of people talk a good game but are a mess inside.
7. Relating your stories can be fun and stress relieving but something tells me you think you go too far. Although others might expect stories, know you can have friendships with less story telling. Keep some things to yourself. Deploy your self-editor and don't share every single thing even if it's funny. Keep a journal and write these things down. You might write a terrific book! Of course this doesn't mean don't ever tell anyone anything but it sounds like you put more on the table than you are actually comfortable with. Hold back a little. Edit what you say a bit more. If you find you are running off more than you like, go home and journal about it. Explore your feelings and find out what is going on with you at the time.
8. Know that you are very smart and have a great future. Enjoy this time of your life. Try to let go of some of the anxiety producing issues and address others. If you feel depressed, write about it. Again, keep a journal. Keep the self-talk POSITIVE. Think about what you can do something about and do it. Everything else, let go.
9. Keep your sense of humor. It will come in handy more often than not and will be more useful to you than just about anything else.
Check back in with me at some point. I'd love to know how you're doing.
