I have met the most wonderful woman of my life, and of course, as fate would have it, I managed to crush her by lying to her twice in a very short time frame.
We have only been together a little over 2 months, we met while I was bartending in the Caribbean.
After 5 weeks, she paid for my plane ticket to NJ, the plane tix to go and meet her parents, and for a separate trip to Vegas. Unfortunately I have not been able to find a job since I moved back home to the States, until just recently, and now that things were finally looking brighter for me, everything came crashing down. I lied once to her about a job interview that I never went to, but pretended I did.
I then lied to her a few days later about another interview where I got essentially got shot down.
I understand her lack of trust, and distance, but when we spoke the other day I thought we cleared the air. I knew it would be there, but not quite like this. She says she wants me to move out in a few months once I am on my feet financially, because she feels it will help us. She says she wants to be with me, but is confused right now because she feels completely betrayed. What can I do to try and regain her trust, and more importantly, the utter bliss we felt until a little over 10 days ago?
Crushed,
Pinocchio
Dear Pinocchio:
Um...slow down!!! That is the first advice I can give you and wish I was there 2 months ago to give it to you.
You met in the Caribbean...a tropical paradise...no? Somewhat of a Plastic Environment. After FIVE WEEKS, she paid for you to come to the States to meet her parents and go to Vegas. Um...WHAT?
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Are you following me? First of all, why would she pay for you to come here? If you did not have the money to get here, what were either of you thinking? Wouldn't it have been a better plan to wait until you had your own way here? And if she was paying for a trip up, why pay for a Vegas trip too? Vegas is another plastic environment. What is with that? I have to seriously question her conduct even more than I question yours. Didn't either of you think any of this was a bit hasty? Didn't her parents question it? If not, what is WRONG with them???
So once you landed in reality, you were panicked to find a job. You didn't go to one interview (you don't say why) and was dinged at another and Lied to her about that. Again, I don't know why you lied to her about it. Everyone gets turned down for jobs...what is the big deal? If you were truly intimate, you could tell her. I mean intimate on an emotional level. Obviously you don't trust something here either. You were AFRAID to tell her the truth. WHY? Why would you want to be with someone if you can't tell them the truth?
These aren't HUGE lies, but they're lies. Her response is a bit out of proportion and so is yours because you don't KNOW EACH OTHER. You don't have the history, the trust, the FOUNDATION you need to weather a small untruth that was told out of fear. Most couples who have been together a while might be able to get through it but you have NO FOUNDATION. She has no frame of reference for who you really are. You could be a big fat nothing liar. She doesn't know. Why? Because she let you in TOO SOON. A Quick Romance CANNOT HANDLE A CRISIS. Only when you have built trust up over time and really know each other can you weather a storm. You can't do it this soon.
Maybe she is finally have the appropriate reaction, which is distance. She once paid for 2 trips for a man she hardly knew, moved in with him (what is THAT?) and now realizes she has no idea what is going on because he is lying to her, so she is backing off. That is the FIRST reasonable thing she's done so far.
And what were YOU thinking by throwing everything away and flying up to the States when you couldn't even afford your own ticket? Why would you want to be indebted to someone you hardly knew? Why would you want to mooch off a woman, any woman, but one you just met?
I'm sorry for being so harsh but it sounds like you both jumped into this without a thought, without looking, without thinking. You let the false rush of new love, fueled by false places like the Caribbean and Vegas and probably fueled by booze and sex to MAKE A SERIOUS DECISION FOR YOU.
WHAT WERE YOU THINKING???
You weren't thinking and neither was she. She doesn't know you, you don't know her and you're both feeling the hangover of rushing headlong into something before you even know what it is. The "utter bliss" you felt was the rush of new love. It's not going to last and when it is interrupted by life issues, it is going to fade very fast as you are finding out.
My advice would be to get a job and get out. Otherwise you're just setting yourself up for a long time of push me/pull me. This did not start out right and unless you both get away from either, take a breath, and either move on or start over, it's never going to be right.
Romance and moving in and all of that should happen AFTER you get to know each other, not before.
Next time, take it slow and pay your own way.
