Dear Addie,
I am at my wits end! My 8 year old daughter, is a very sweet, smart, funny child. She is strong willed, but basically well behaved. That is, until my husband comes home. Then all of a sudden, she talks to me like she was a rebellious teenager, sassing me, talking different, and being defiant. My family has been through a very hard time, the past year. we lost our home and my health, from a toxin there. My husband was away, working out of town, for the most part, only home on weekends. He and I have different temperaments, and habits. I have been ill, and unable to work, so there is a tension about finances, that sometimes leads to fights. I feel that he doesn't discipline her enough, and he thinks I am too hard. But he only sees me with her when hes home. When hes not here, she is my little angel. I am starting to feel like I want to run away. In the family, I am the odd man out. I have no medical insurance, because it is too expensive on my husbands plan. I asked him to find out if his will cover couples or family therapy, but he has not, and they wont tell me, because I`m not on his plan. I know that I need to get help, for myself, and daughter, but I don't no where to look.
Any suggestions for dealing with the "weekend conflict" while I try to find long term outside help, would be welcome!
First of all, I do not understand how you can be ill and not have Health Insurance. That is insanity. If your home made you sick because of a toxin, is there some legal help you can get? That is where you need to start. You need health insurance for YOU. Second, you need it for family counseling and that means all three of you. Is your husband not interested in counseling or doesn't see the need for it? Because you obviously need it. You NEED to be on his plan. You can't shortcut medical insurance. If you are so sick you can't work, apply for SSDI and get health benefits as well. The health insurance needs to be your number one priority.
If you Daughter listens when your husband is not there but doesn't when he is, what is the difference? Will she be punished when he is not there but not when he's at home? If so, you need to let her know the rules do not change and she doesn't change her behavior. If she sees you as weak when he is home, she is going to lash out.
Most parents put up with a defiant back-talking child because they are too weak willed to put a stop to it. The irony is that children DETEST weakness in their parents, the ones who are supposed to be their protectors (see my previous columns about this) and lash out even more. Children hate parents who are strict to the point of being abusive or controlling for no reason and parents who are weak kneed and namby pamby. Children love parents with strong boundaries, clear limits, and a firm but gentle guiding system.
Those are not only the parents they NEED, but those are the parents they WANT.
If your daughter senses you are weak when her father is home, she will go on the attack. Not only because she can but because she dislikes seeing weakness in you. You are her role model. You need to be firm when he is home.
You also need to stop arguing about parenting styles with him especially if it happens in front of her. He can be easy with her because he only sees her two days a week and is not actively participating in raising her. You are. You need to do what you do and say to him, "I would appreciate it if you don't comment on my parenting in front our our daughter." and make sure he gets that message loud and clear. At the same time don't criticize that he is too easy. He may not want to be the bad guy seeing her only two days a week.
You must insist that she respect you and be well behaved no matter what day of the week it is, or there will be consequences. Enforce those consequences.
You need to be firm about having health insurance, seeing a lawyer about the toxins, applying for SSDI and disciplining your daughter. You also need to insist that the THREE of you go to counseling and not just the two of you.
If you need followup advice, feel free to write. You have a lot on your plate. You need some help. Good luck.
I am at my wits end! My 8 year old daughter, is a very sweet, smart, funny child. She is strong willed, but basically well behaved. That is, until my husband comes home. Then all of a sudden, she talks to me like she was a rebellious teenager, sassing me, talking different, and being defiant. My family has been through a very hard time, the past year. we lost our home and my health, from a toxin there. My husband was away, working out of town, for the most part, only home on weekends. He and I have different temperaments, and habits. I have been ill, and unable to work, so there is a tension about finances, that sometimes leads to fights. I feel that he doesn't discipline her enough, and he thinks I am too hard. But he only sees me with her when hes home. When hes not here, she is my little angel. I am starting to feel like I want to run away. In the family, I am the odd man out. I have no medical insurance, because it is too expensive on my husbands plan. I asked him to find out if his will cover couples or family therapy, but he has not, and they wont tell me, because I`m not on his plan. I know that I need to get help, for myself, and daughter, but I don't no where to look.
Any suggestions for dealing with the "weekend conflict" while I try to find long term outside help, would be welcome!
First of all, I do not understand how you can be ill and not have Health Insurance. That is insanity. If your home made you sick because of a toxin, is there some legal help you can get? That is where you need to start. You need health insurance for YOU. Second, you need it for family counseling and that means all three of you. Is your husband not interested in counseling or doesn't see the need for it? Because you obviously need it. You NEED to be on his plan. You can't shortcut medical insurance. If you are so sick you can't work, apply for SSDI and get health benefits as well. The health insurance needs to be your number one priority.
If you Daughter listens when your husband is not there but doesn't when he is, what is the difference? Will she be punished when he is not there but not when he's at home? If so, you need to let her know the rules do not change and she doesn't change her behavior. If she sees you as weak when he is home, she is going to lash out.
Most parents put up with a defiant back-talking child because they are too weak willed to put a stop to it. The irony is that children DETEST weakness in their parents, the ones who are supposed to be their protectors (see my previous columns about this) and lash out even more. Children hate parents who are strict to the point of being abusive or controlling for no reason and parents who are weak kneed and namby pamby. Children love parents with strong boundaries, clear limits, and a firm but gentle guiding system.
Those are not only the parents they NEED, but those are the parents they WANT.
If your daughter senses you are weak when her father is home, she will go on the attack. Not only because she can but because she dislikes seeing weakness in you. You are her role model. You need to be firm when he is home.
You also need to stop arguing about parenting styles with him especially if it happens in front of her. He can be easy with her because he only sees her two days a week and is not actively participating in raising her. You are. You need to do what you do and say to him, "I would appreciate it if you don't comment on my parenting in front our our daughter." and make sure he gets that message loud and clear. At the same time don't criticize that he is too easy. He may not want to be the bad guy seeing her only two days a week.
You must insist that she respect you and be well behaved no matter what day of the week it is, or there will be consequences. Enforce those consequences.
You need to be firm about having health insurance, seeing a lawyer about the toxins, applying for SSDI and disciplining your daughter. You also need to insist that the THREE of you go to counseling and not just the two of you.
If you need followup advice, feel free to write. You have a lot on your plate. You need some help. Good luck.
