Hello Miss Samantha,

This weekend, I came very Close to breaking things off with FP. I have been an absolute hypocrite to him and its time for me to man up and just end it... I think.

He was out with some stupid girls this weekend when he went to the city and was dancing with girls and they outwardly told him they were DTF (- look it up if you don't know what I'm sayin'). Obviously, because he's madly in Love with me, he pushed them away, yet continued to flirt. I decided I didn't like that and raged on him and made him feel bad. He asked me on Saturday night/Sunday morning "Are you telling me you don't want to see me anymore?" I was so close to saying yes. So close. But I didn't.

And now I feel like I'm not going to have a chance to say yes again. The reason I didn't say yes was because I knew he would have hung up the phone and called one of those skanks and I couldn't deal with that.

But on Thursday, I may have made out with Ex. Not EngineerEx, but first college love Ex. And I stayed at his house. And I am so not ok with my attitude right now. I was totally offside, and I'm being really horrible to FP. I don't know what to do. FP is going to be so hurt when I break things off. So hurt. It will crush him. And I love spending time with him, but I dont know if I want that time to be long term. At least right now in my life I do NOT want a long distance serious thing. Its too psychologically stressful for me. I mean, he may be moving to the big city come March, but I dont want him to just for me. That's so much pressure on me. FP doesn't intellectually stimulate me. That sounds horrible too. But I need to be able to have a good conversation with him... something that's not about "this oil jack we fixed today..." I know that FP is intelligent, he just doesn't care. And conversation is something I value. I want to succeed in life, and that succeeding is due to communication in the academic world. I don't necessarily want someone who is in the academic field with me, I want someone who understands the demands that will have on my life and how its going to affect my relationships. Nevermind he told me he wants to be married in 5 years... OUT OF THE QUESTION!

Kelly Clarkson is definitely fitting right now.

Well, thats my little rant for today. What should I do? Should I man up? Should I drag it out? I will be home for awhile at Christmas and need the company... but I feel so guilty about that. Can I have my cake and eat it too? HELP!

Miss You As Usual,

xoxoCarrie