Identify and Heal
Nothing changes a woman more, than the incredible journey that embarking upon motherhood brings. From the initial finding out that you have this tiny helpless life growing inside of you who is relying on your every heart beat and breath for its survival. Watching and feeling your body growing and changing in ways you could never have imagined, until that magical day when nine months later you give birth and meet your precious bundle of joy for the first time. There is nothing more breath taking and wonderful than your new-born child being placed upon your breast, and basking in the sight, smell and beauty of the new life that you have brought into the world.
You have spoken to this little one inside your tummy for nine months, sang to her, told her all about the mummy she is going to have, and promised to love, protect and guide her through every step of her life, and teach her all the things she will need to know about being a little girl, and growing into the wonderful woman that you know she will become. Your life has changed forever more, and the unconditional love you feel for your child is like nothing else you will ever experience. You are now a mother, and your little girl is watching you, and listening to your every word, and by feeling the energy that is exchanged between both of you, is learning about herself and what her place in your world, and her own is.
These feelings invoked when your baby Daughter is born, only grow deeper and stronger with every day that passes, that is…for the loving caring mothers who have the desire only for her daughter to be happy, and to feel loved and safe.
When a mother who has NPD gives birth to her daughter, all of the natural maternal responses and feelings towards her child, simply do not occur. She will not feel the unconditional love when her child takes its first breath, and she will not have the pull or desire to teach and guide her daughter lovingly throughout her life into womanhood. The narcissistic mother has a child for many reasons, and none of these reasons have anything to do with her daughter’s best interests. This personality disordered mother, has a child who she can manufacture, control and manipulate into becoming the child that can inflate her ego by giving her adoration, affection and unconditional love, and make her look good in front of other people. This narcissistic mother has children for the sole intention of what the child can give her and bring into her life, and not at all for what she can give to her child to ensure she receives the many things she deserves in order to thrive and grow into a well adjusted and emotionally healthy individual.
Narcissistic mothers remain the centre of their own universe and she will construct her daughters experiences and feelings regarding herself and her life growing up, to be beneficial to her own needs and personal circumstances, while completely bypassing, ignoring and rejecting her daughters needs, and desire to grow in independence and have autonomy in her own life.
When people think about incest they automatically think of it as being sexual, however incest has another form, which I will highlight in this article, and it is referred to as emotional incest’ or ‘covert incest’. Emotional incest is when the mother makes her daughter take on the adult responsibility of being emotionally and psychologically responsible for her needs, and in essence she takes on the role of being her mothers surrogate partner. The daughter’s needs are not recognised by her mother and become secondary or completely disregarded by mother, and her own are instead given top priority.
Healthy boundaries are not present within this mother/daughter dynamic, and mother will openly talk to her daughter about adult topics which will often be sexual in nature, and will involve mother disclosing details about her own sexual experiences and relationships. This is also a form of grooming, and with these lack of boundaries and highly sexualised behaviour projected by mother on to her daughter, the danger and potential for being sexually abused becomes a very real possibility for this child. Mother will also confide her problems, and tell her daughter secrets which her daughter will feel obligated into keeping for her mother, because the stage has already been set by mother to begin ensuring her daughter feels responsible for her emotional needs. In a narcissistic family, where there is more than one sibling, a triangulated sibling unit will most probably already exist, where one sibling is favoured over the other. This is when emotional incest becomes extremely toxic and dangerous for the daughters emotional health as she will feel ‘special’ to be chosen by mother to be the confidant, without yet having the maturity and self-awareness that she is being used and manipulated by her mother as an emotional crutch whose responsibility it is, to make herself available to cater to her mothers ever increasing demands and needs. The daughter of a narcissistic mother who is subjected to a childhood of emotional incest, will not feel like she has autonomy as an individual in her own right, and will suffer the loss of her identity and sense of self. As a consequence her daughter loses her childhood, and later in life as part of her healing journey will have to embark upon the arduous task of grieving this massive loss to her life.
As the daughter reaches her teens, and naturally begins wanting to explore out with her home environment, meet new friends, gain new interests, and also become interested in the opposite sex, mother will sense this energy shift in her daughter, and will want to reign her back in, because she will feel vulnerable jealous and threatened by her daughters desire to explore new horizons, and potentially abandon mother. This is when narcissistic mother will find new ways to try and control her daughter’s freedom, and manipulate her daughter into feeling guilty and responsible for her selfish needs. Internally, this can cause the daughter to have feelings of resentment, distrust in others, anger, and self hate. If this self-hatred becomes so internalised and not recognised by a supportive adult in her life, it can lead the daughter into self-harming behaviours of a physical and emotionally damaging nature.
In this emotionally incestuous dynamic, due to the daughter never having been able to establish normal healthy boundaries for herself, or taught them by her mother, the very real danger exists whereby the daughter will potentially find herself in situations with individuals who will see her vulnerability and will want to manipulate and exploit her.
Emotional Incest is abuse, and it is one of the most damaging forms of abuse that a narcissistic mother can inflict upon her daughter. The emotional and psychological repercussions for the daughter in years to come spanning into adulthood, will have a lasting impact on her emotional and psychological health, and especially her relationships. When a daughter is so emotionally enmeshed with her mother from a young age, she learns that she is the person in a relationship who is overly responsible for the other person, and feels completely obligated to put the others persons needs first, while disregarding her own, because this is what she has been taught to do. This can lead the daughter into toxic abusive relationships where a lack of personal boundaries is so familiar to the daughter, they become normal. The longer these unhealthy patterns with others continue in the daughters life, the more damage will be done to her self-worth because she will unconsciously be receiving the message that she is still unworthy and her needs do not matter.
For daughters who have not went No Contact, instead choosing to remain in contact with their mother, it is important to begin setting boundaries. This is no easy task for a daughter, who has suffered a lifetime of enmeshment with mother, and there will be feelings of fear that will surface, along with guilt and responsibility, however the patterns will not be broken and healing cannot begin until boundaries are firmly set in place.
Narcissistic mothers recognise instantly when their daughters begin to put their own needs first, and set boundaries. Mother will take this as a direct insult, and will most likely lash out at her daughter with anger and accuse her daughter of betraying and abandoning her, and will accuse her daughter of having ‘changed’. It is vital to remain firm and strong in your boundaries while these behaviours from mother present themselves.
Ways in which you can begin to put boundaries in place are by ensuring you are not always available to mother. Examples of this are when mother rings you; you don’t have to instantly run to pick up her call. Listen to her voicemail, and ring her back at a time that suits you. When she begins to talk about a subject, that makes you uncomfortable or responsible for her needs, simply tell her that you would like to discuss something else instead. There are many ways in which you can begin to put these boundaries in place for yourself to keep yourself safe, and moving forward in your own healing journey.
It is important to be mindful of the fact that these mothers do not like to feel that they are not at the top of your priority list, and she will most likely struggle to respect your new boundaries, instead disregarding your feelings, and slowly encroaching back into your personal space. It is very difficult, impossible even, for other people in our lives whom we love and care for, to understand the extent of enmeshment between our mother and ourselves. This can cause many issues and resentments in our relationships, because it is so very difficult to understand unless you have a narcissistic mother yourself. We must however remember, that we are not responsible for our mothers, and we must begin to live our lives for ourselves and do the things which will make us happy and thrive in our own life and relationships.
Recovery after emotional incest is certainly possible, however it can be a very long road with lots of twists and turns along the way. Stay strong, honour your own boundaries and needs, and remember our journey now is to learn about what we need, so we can continue our healing, and regain the identity that was taken from us so early in our lives. You can do this!
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