Identify and Heal
Narcissistic mothers are very angry people. Everything angers them. A narcissist truly believes she is special, has unique qualities and talents, and is the most attractive, adored special person to grace the earth. If anyone should ever say or do anything to challenge this distorted reality that they portray to the outside world, then prepare yourself for the unleashing of her narcissistic rage.
Narcissistic mothers must be obeyed, it is their way or the high way, and they do not cope well with people setting boundaries for themselves, or saying ‘No’, nor can they, or should they ever be challenged. The narcissistic mother perceives herself as perfect, so if she feels anger, she will not own that Emotion, and she will instead project it on to her child, in such a way that the child will grow up to believe they are the angry one, who has a bad temper. Due to a narcissistic mothers innate need to be perfect, she cannot accept or process negative emotions in a healthy way or take ownership of them. The only way that she can counteract this is by projecting all of her shortcomings and negative emotions on to her child.
As a child, growing up in the toxic harsh environment that the narcissistic mother has created, it is extremely difficult and confusing on so many levels. A child will observe the actions of the mother, both inside and outside the family home. Outside the home, the mother will portray herself in such a manner that everyone will view her as warm, gentle, engaging and pleasant. Her children will most likely be well presented, polite and well behaved. Others will perceive her as having a perfect family, and being the perfect mother. Inside the family home, the children will observe the true traits and behaviours of the mother, which will usually comprise of constant yelling, berating, silencing and a general feeling of having to walk on eggshells, as to avoid the rage of the narcissistic mother. Mother can in fact be likened to a Jekyll and Hyde character, and this adds much confusion to the child as he/she grows up, and also keeps the child in a state of fear, because we do not understand why mother presents herself so differently to others. Most often, the child will internalise this confusion and conclude that it must in some way be their fault. This in itself leads to feelings of anger, and deep toxic shame, and never feeling good enough.
The child of a narcissistic mother learns from an early age that having emotions and displaying them, will result in being berated, shamed and mocked, punished or completely ignored. A narcissistic mother cannot tolerate her children having emotions, or showing them, because it makes her feel inadequate, because she only has two emotions, which are Anger and Hate. It is rare that you will observe your narcissistic mother displaying pure joy, or affection, or any type of happiness. Therefore, for the child, it is easier to display no emotion at all, because this keeps us safe from the projection and transference or her own inadequacies, which she only knows how to project on to us. A narcissistic mother also has no interest in the feelings and emotions of her child, because she views the child only as being an extension of herself, hence the child becomes compliant, and this is why other people view her children as being well-behaved. A narcissistic mothers only concern, is for herself, and to have to think about how her child may be feeling about something, takes the attention away from her, and she resents this.
A mother is supposed to be a gentle, caring and loving role model in your life, who will support you and protect you to the best of her ability. In addition to having your feelings and emotions suppressed by her, comes the consistent message that no matter what you do, it is never good enough in her eyes. This can be anything from your appearance, your grades and academic achievements, how good a son or daughter you are. Anything and everything comes with criticism, and the overwhelming feeling that no matter what you do, it will never be enough, and will never meet her unachievable standards of perfection.
Growing up as a child, and not being able to show normal feelings such as happiness, sadness, joy, anger, has a damaging and detrimental effect on us. These effects span into adulthood, and can affect every aspect of our life, including our view of ourselves and how we feel, and the relationships we have and share with others. For example, a baby who is left to cry in their crib through the night will soon learn that it is pointless to cry, because mother is not going to come to take care of our needs. The baby will develop what is now understood as ‘learned helplessness’. In the same way, a child who learns that she can show no emotions will soon learn that mother does not care about her feelings. This can only lead to anger and will be internalised as toxic shame, which only produces more anger as an outcome. Can you imagine the anger we then hold within ourselves as we reach adulthood, from never having been able to express our emotions, needs and concerns for ourselves.
In a healthy functioning family dynamic, a child is taught from an early age to be able to express her feelings, thoughts and emotions. Mother will teach her child how to self-regulate her emotions, including anger, which is a perfectly normal and healthy emotion. It only becomes unhealthy when it is suppressed, and as adults we must find a way to recognise our feelings of anger and where they come from, and express it in a safe and healthy way that is not damaging to ourselves, or to others.
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