In my neighbourhood, my House is perhaps the quietest house of all. From outside, people can never tell whether there is someone residing inside because of its quietness. Whereas every other house is loud and noisy …and alive. Babies and children fill those homes with laughter, cries, fights, jokes and loads of mischief.
If you go unannounced to any house, you’ll most likely find it messy. Pens and books and toys strewn all over, clothes thrown on the beds, candy wrappers and snack packets carelessly thrown away.
In the mornings, before the kids go to school and at afternoons/evenings when they return, it’s a chaos there. You can hear voices like, “Mama , where are you? ” “Mama, I’m hungry. Bring me something to eat.” “Mama, I can’t find my book.” ” Mama, Mama…”
The most important person in their worlds is their mother. The woman is loved and wanted and needed. She’s a highly cherished treasure which no family can do without.
Those women may be tired of hearing their kids calling out to them thousands of time a day, but to me, an infertile woman, hearing a little one calling out “Mama” or “Mummy” seems like a mellifluous melody…a faraway dream.
While I watch all these mundane, ordinary activities taking place in their homes daily from the window of my empty home with an empty ache in my heart, I reflect over my own sorry situation.
My house is void of kids’ laughs and their mischief and their warm hugs. My house may be clean and organized and everything may be in its place, and it may be calm and peaceful. But it is like a desert with no life in it. Nobody opens and closes the doors besides me.
I don’t have any company at home for the major portion of the day. Nobody to talk to when my husband is away from home. I don’t have anyone dependent on me. I’m nobody’s inspiration, nobody’s role model. Nobody’s life would be disturbed if I were to die today. Nothing new happens at my home daily. No new memories are formed. Neighbours may pop in at times, but that’s not the same.
For other women, they had noone at the beginning of their marriage but they fell pregnant, had kids, their family grew and made them complete…they moved ahead in their lives. I had noone at the beginning of my marriage and I have noone now. I’m still stuck at the same place I was earlier.
On another note, my hormonal cycle is a mess. AF’s been here for almost 10 days now and shows no sign of going away. I’m so confused and tired and fed up that I don’t know where to go and what to do anymore.
I’m so down, I don’t know how much further I have yet to sink before I reach rock bottom. And then, the only way shall be up, right?
