The other day, I met one of my best friends. He looked pale and exhausted. I guess having become a dad just a few months ago already left some stains.
He greeted me by saying:
“I don’t know what happened- my wife is always angry! What should I do?”
To calm him down, I tried to give him my usual spiel about new parents:
“You Know, we all go through this phase. Once we become moms and dads, we sleep less, have more responsibilities and need to adjust to our new life situation. In those circumstances, it is Completely Normal to fight more often…”
For some reason I went on to say:
“But you know what the good news is? We enjoy the best sex of our life!”
He looked at me in completely puzzled. After a short pause he simply responded:
“I don’t even know what that is anymore!”
NOTHING IS WRONG WITH YOU
The truth is that many dads become extremely worried when they lack the kind of exciting sex life we all dreamt about having once married. They fear their partner is no longer attracted to them, or that something is seriously wrong with their relationship. Suddenly life looks like a bleak and sexless world.
What many men don’t realize is that it is completely normal for couples to struggle with intimacy right after welcoming their first baby. Just think about it for a second:
Moms feel over conscious about their bodies and about experiencing potential pains. Dads feel neglected and left alone. Together, they feel exhausted and overwhelmed.
Not ideal conditions for passionate sex.
YOU HAVE A CHOICE
However, without sex, married couples turn into roommates:
So we have a choice:
We can accept that reviving our sex life is difficult and take no action. Eventually, of course, our marriage will suffer.
Or we can accept that reviving our sex life is difficult BUT commit to taking little steps towards reviving a more intimate and close connection with our partner.
And this does not need to be difficult:
In my experience, there are two ingredients that help reignite this deep sense of connection we had with our partner when we first met them:
We want to share fun moments together.
We want to be with someone who truly understands us at a deeper level than anyone else in this world.
BE THE DELIGHTFUL PHILOSOPHER
Let me share with you a simple strategy I use to exemplify both these traits, that will instantly help you revive your relationship:
My wife and I schedule a weekly date night.
We both dress up and usually choose a fancy restaurant. Throughout our meal, I try and be fun and lighthearted most of the evening. After all, both of us can use some distraction from our long week. However, here is the key:
Sometimes I surprise her by changing the tonality of my voice and becoming more curious and intimate. Out of the blue, I will ask her a deeper question that really gives her the opportunity to reveal herself in ways she has never done this before.
For example, I may touch her hand and ask her an open-ended question about her childhood dreams, and how these may have influenced her throughout her life. Then I will share something new about myself that she probably doesn’t know about me yet.
I picture myself as a Delightful Philosopher, who mixes fun and lighthearted emotions with moments of intimate sharing. In one moment I have my wife almost explode from laughter, and a few minutes later she will be telling me a touching story that means so much to her. This rollercoaster of feelings is what makes the evening so special for both of us.
Once we return home, we’ll chill together with some relaxing music, candle lights and a glass of red wine, and see where the night takes us. Regardless of the outcome, we will have enjoyed a very romantic and bonding evening together.
The key is to keep things simple. Make it a habit to have fun date nights in which you combine being playful and easy going with moments of heartfelt conversations. In this way, you guys will learn to enjoy spending time together, while also speaking in a more honest and open manner. These are both prerequisites for a booming sex life.
Now it’s your turn:
Plan a date night with your partner regardless of how busy you are. Have a persona in mind that will help you create the kind of atmosphere that will be both bonding and fun. This could be the “delightful philosopher”, or anything else that fits you.
Please share with me how it goes, and maybe I can help you spice things up a bit from there.
Speak soon
-Allon
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