Today I cried. Today I felt loss and grief that was so unexpected. I always wanted three Children. The idea, the wonderful romance of it all swept me off my feet. Through rose tinted glasses I looked at the life we could have being parents of three children. We had one and I thought – why do people do this to themselves?? We then forgot how hard the early days are and had another and we thought – why didn’t we learn from the first time?? Steve has always strongly been against having more than two and in my blissful ignorance I thought when it came time I could persuade him for one more. As it turned out I had Postnatal Depression with both our children and decided that having anymore would be completely insane and ridiculous considering what a hammering my mental health had taken. So for a long time now (Elliott 6 years old and Toby 18 months) I’ve been completely content with our choice to stop at two, it was financially logically and meant we were a complete unit. So as I flicked through the photos of Toby as a newborn and seeing those very first photos of him on this planet I felt an overwhelming pang of pain. Why? I’m happy! I don’t want anymore children! Do I? I really pleased that I won’t go through the winding, night feeds, weaning stage again. I miss none of those stages, and yet the thought of not feeling another person wriggle beneath my skin, to clap eyes on our baby for the very first time makes me heart ache. I feel like I’ve lost something that I don’t want to find!?!? The idea of the big family always appealed to me and I always thought I’d be that mum with her brood, but in actual fact we’ve ended up with the standard family, in the standard house, down the standard road. I love what I have, I feel very fortunate and yet my womb hums with sadness for its redundant future. How can 9 months of being uncomfortable, hours of excruciating labour and nipples leaking sporadically be so inviting for a woman? I feel blessed and incredibly lucky to have been able to have children and to close that chapter in my life and move on with the family we have created but there is also a part of me that will always wonder, would it have been another boy? Or a girl? Would I have got Postnatal Depression again? Would I have got a quicker bond next time? I feel it’s a natural part of anyones life to at stages wonder what if?? Today mine took me by surprise and gave me a reason to stop and look at what I already had.