I think in most of my posts recently I've been coming across as a lot Happier than I used to be. And I thought I was happier. But maybe it's a load of Shit.

I'm sitting here now on the verge of crying. Today has not been a good day. I didn't get enough sleep, having been woken up by the cold on several occasions. Work was shit, boring, utterly pointless and I hated it. Several successive bad days at work, as well as The Ban, have led to a lot of pent up frustration, or aggression, or anger, or whatever the hell you want to call it. I look at people on the Tube and they annoy me and I get fixated on what it is about them that annoys me and get really angry about it.

And today I saw Brokeback Mountain with a bunch of giggly, chatty, loud girl mates. And I was sitting in the car on the way, laughing with them sometimes... but generally just feeling really alone and stressed. For the first time in months I really needed a joint to calm down, but it's probably for the best that there weren't any around. It got worse in the cinema. I was sitting there, surrounded by all these people but feeling alone, and I just felt really shit. The film didn't help. It just reminded me of the last time I went to see I and bad things happened that I don't want to link to, and it reminded me about my friends death and my eyes are blurring up now. My friend is fucking dead. I miss him so much. I just want to see him again, to talk to him, but I can't. And nobody understands because a lot of the people I hang out with never knew him and most of them haven't lost anyone. I have completely lost any will to flirt, or cheat. Being with N is comforting but it's not enough. I want my friend, but he's dead and there's nothing I can do about it.

I don't know if it's just his being dead, or if other memories have been stirred up, or if I'm stressed from work, I don't know exactly why it is but I feel so crap. I'm feeling drained.

And with all this stress, the film reminded me about anger as well. Real anger, the real rage that I haven't felt in so long but that is starting to creep in again.

Fuck. And i'm turning to a blog, a collection of fucking poorly-written posts about pointless shit, for comfort.

What the fuck am I doing?