I was feeling ok about my friend's death and other things today. A friend sent me an email after reading this post and that made me feel better too. On her advice I stuck "Everybody Hurts" by REM on, and re-read last night's post. It made my eyes slightly moist and I have a lump in my throat, but I guess it's better to get it out than keep it in.

Today still isn't a great day though. My parents have announced that they're getting divorced. On the one hand it's not entirely unexpected, they haven't lived together for a couple of years and stopped going to counselling, stopped going out together. But on the other hand it's a bit messed up because it's final, and I don't really know what it means. It's not as final as death though. I suppose when you've tried to get your head around a very good friend dying, your parents divorcing fairly amicably is practically a walk in the park.

I keep reading last night's post, and it keeps making me sad. I really do miss him. It's particularly hard to think that there isn't anything I can do. The only thing that would make me happy would be if I could bring him back for even the shortest amount of time, but I can't. And thinking about the good times isn't helping either, it just makes me miss him more.

I don't know if Everybody Hurts is helping. For one thing I'm concentrating on writing this too much to listen. But for another, this hurt just seems to big to deal with, so telling me that "Everybody" feels this way isn't helping, telling me "you are not alone" isn't helping, because nobody I know does feel like this, and I do feel alone. This song usually helps but tonight it isn't.

I have been holding things in too much lately. I haven't been talking to people about them. I probably should.