Monday




Kate goes to the gym to do her ‘Swiss Ball’ class. The instructor is a loud shouty lady who bellows at the women to work harder. Kate likes that type of instructor. She can’t bear the ones with perma- grins pasted on their faces who go ‘ Whooo! Whoooo! ‘ every five minutes. After the class, the instructor chats to Kate, she is called Lynn and is actually from Sunderland but has lived in South Africa for the past 27 years. Lynn asks Kate how she’s settling in and asks if she’s made any friends yet. Kate hasn’t even thought about making friends – apart from Rob’s cousin Karen, she hasn’t really met many other females; she admits that she hasn’t. Lynn invites Kate to a girly evening at her friend’s house on Friday where they’ll be having dinner and some booze. Kate accepts her kind invitation, even though she feels a bit awkward - South African women? Kate hopes they're not high maintenance in any way shape or form.



Kate goes home and tells Rob about Lynn and the Friday night out. Rob looks at Kate thoughtfully for a moment then declares; ‘She’s a LESBIAN!! She wants to dive in your MUFF!! HA!’ Naturally, thinks Kate sarcastically. She is a Gym instructor and is female, of course she is a lesbian. Kate has experienced this reaction from people herself during her PE teaching days, especially when she had her hair very short. By now though, Rob is on the phone to his twin brother;

‘Hey Bru, guess what? Kate’s got a girlfriend! Yeah, she’s going to a rug munching party! Good times Hey?’

Kate can hear Andy squawking appreciatively on the phone. Andy says that Kate should call him when the action starts and leave it on for him to listen to. Rob gets off the phone and tells Kate that she needs a ‘safe’ word for Friday night that she can call and say to him if she feels that things are going too far. At this point, Kate thinks that Rob has been secretly reading the article in her ‘Marie Claire’ about S&M, but humouring her excited husband, she rolls her eyes agrees to the word ‘shagpile’.







Stanley.



Stanley is the blue Indian ringnecked parakeet, that Kate was coerced into buying by her two children shortly after their arrival in South Africa. Charlie promised to help do his bit by cleaning and feeding Stanley, but the 3 month old terror hates Charlie and bites his ears, so Kate feels rotten trying to make Charlie do anything other than wipe up the odd turd.

The pet shop owner told Kate that because Stanley was still a baby, she should feed him cereal with a syringe. She has been doing this, and as a result, Stanley has developed what Kate considers to be a somewhat unnatural attachment to her. When the kids go near him, Stanley will hiss and bark at them, trying to nip whatever appendage they happen to be poking at him at the time. Whenever Kate approaches, Stanley bows his head and croons pitifully at her. She is the only person whose finger Stanley will happily hop onto, although he will jump onto Rob’s, probably out of sheer terror, thinks Kate.

Stanley has had his wings clipped in the pet shop, but is desperate to fly. He will launch himself into the air, flapping furiously, then more often that not fly head first into a wall and slide unceremoniously to the floor. Mason finds this hysterically funny and will make so much noise laughing, that Kate isn’t surprised the poor bird is nervous around him. Kate is also surprised that Stanley hasn’t yet given himself brain damage with his attempts at flight.

Kate is also worried that sooner or later, the monkeys will get him. Rob is convinced of this also. When the monkeys yawn, Kate can see huge canine teeth flashing at her. She doesn’t think these are just used on bananas and she has often seen the monkeys peering in and eyeing Stanley as he sits primly on his perch. Kate thinks Charlie will be pleased if the monkeys successfully mount a ‘Stanleysnatch’ attack, as they will then be forced to acquire another bird, who might actually like him. Kate thinks she should buy Charlie a fish; with their short memories, a fish won’t remember that five minutes earlier Charlie was trying to feed it ants, and will love him unconditionally.